Pet names that will turn your lover right off during sex, with the Mash sex columnist

YOU’VE made it this far, you’re actually having sex. Now be careful not to arse it up by throwing a terrible pet name into the mix mid-coitus.


Problematic, to put it mildly. It’s likely to take your shag buddy out of the moment and bring to mind your actual Daddy. Suddenly your tits will be replaced by the image of a disapproving older man, watching as your lover inexpertly fucks his daughter. That’s bad enough, but they’ll get the feeling he’s itching to tell them they’re doing it all wrong, like DIY.

Sexy pants

Silly names are all well and good when you’re doing a bit of ironic flirting and trying to seal the deal, but not so helpful once you’ve got your pants down and are trying to take yourself seriously. The last thing you want while you’re giving a blowjob is to get a laugh. So stay away from ridiculous names like ‘Lover boy’ or ‘Hot stuff’. You’re not Austin Powers.


The problem is that pet names are picked by the owner, not the pet. Nobody in their right mind would opt to be called Snookums. It sounds like the name of a new pupil at Hogwarts who also happens to be a Smurf. Hardly hard-on fodder.

Anything ‘pie’

Cutie-pie, Baby-pie, Angel-pie – anything pie – is to be avoided at all costs. What are you, a Looney Tunes character? You may as well cut the crap and call each other Tweetie Pie and Sylvester the Cat. Any person who calls you these things with a straight face is instantly going to look like an arsehole and a twee loser. That’s not appealing in a sexual partner. See ya, Dickhead-pie.

Pussy cat

Barely tolerable from a partner in daily life because it’s not 1965, and even less so mid-coitus when you’re battling to stay turned on if things aren’t going brilliantly. Also, it feels like a judgement – do you not deserve to be compared to a bigger cat? A tiger at the very least. Even an ocelot would be an improvement.

Sugar lips/Honeybun

Names like this are a red flag. Your shag is setting up unrealistic expectations of sweetness which you’ll never be able to fulfil in a future relationship. And it’s just so cringe. Instead of him coming in your mouth, you’ll be puking in it.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Funny how ‘age is just a number’ is your go-to excuse for flirting with young waitresses, and never for pursuing your nan’s friend Eileen who remembers the Blitz.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

One of your ex-girlfriends actually was the one. But we’re not telling you which.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Odysseus beat the Cyclops by disguising himself as a sheep, then shagging him, then killing him. Most translations leave out the shagging.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

What base is choking? If you want to brag to your girls?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Can’t the French just eat the bedbugs? Put them on the menu called ampules de sang de Paris like they’re a delicacy?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

“Retaliating against the BBC putting Doctor Who’s back catalogue on iPlayer, ITVX now has every episode of Boon. Fucking bring it.”

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

The one thing you can’t air-fry for yourself is some dignity.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

How thick is pigshit, anyway? Oh, you can buy it online.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

If that’s what the Turks think of as delight no wonder they’re always so fucked off.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Question 1. Drawing a graph from Thatcher to May to Truss, how fucking abysmal will the next female prime minister be?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

The cause of our societal issues is that first-time fathers can’t enjoy a cigar in the hospital waiting room, just a furtive bubblegum flavoured vape.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“This is an announcement for all passengers disembarking at Rugeley Trent Valley: we hope you’re happy that we’ve had to stop at your pissant little station. Twats.”