'Rwanda's never going to work,' says Cleverly. 'Of course not,' I snap, 'it's a Boris idea'

From the diary of Rishi Sunak, Britain’s toughest-talking prime minister

A YEAR into the job. Inflation halved thanks to my bold efforts. Braverman finally ditched. And here I am, still trying to make Boris’s bullshit work. 

James Cleverly, my new home secretary very much against his will, is furrowing his brow. ‘So £140 million is what, three planefuls to Rwanda? Not even a week’s worth of boats?’

‘Yes,’ I say testily, well ahead of him. ‘So this whole policy doesn’t make any sense at all,’ he says. ‘Which is why you described it as batshit,’ I snap, tired of his act. ‘Don’t deny it, you’re not on Radio 4 now.’

‘Then why,’ he asks, ‘are we wasting our fucking time?’

‘Because it’s a Boris idea,’ I say. ‘A terrible prime minister but a very strong newspaper columnist. Recent work excepted. And because he made a Friday afternoon column about shipping ‘em off to Africa before their feet hit British soil into entirely unworkable policy.’

‘We could just drop it,’ says Cleverly. ‘They love it,’ I say, despairingly. ‘The Mail loves it. The Sun loves it. The Red Wall loves it, we think, who knows what those mad bastards are about.

‘So we’ve got no choice. We’ve got to pretend it’s actually viable. We’re rushing an act through parliament declaring Rwanda to be a safe country. You’re spending Christmas there with your family.

‘If we really force it, ignore the courts, declare that international law doesn’t apply to Britain and risk economic sanctions we can get a flight of refugees over there as early as August.’

‘Then what?’ he asks. ‘Then immigration is solved and we win the election,’ I say. ‘Is that another Boris idea?’ ‘Yes,’ I admit.

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A white home counties roadman is imprisoned in detention

Fourteen-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains why he’s been unjustly confined like him’s bruv Lord Nelson Mandela.

WAGWAN? You cannot hear man, even wiv your hairpods out. Man has been silenced by da hoppresive hauthorities crushin’ man’s freedom to speech an’ swag about.

Man has been himprisoned in Miss Jackson’s jail for hexpressing beliefs about Drilla X being a wasteman dickhead for gettin’ off wiv gyal Lady G on da hastroturf pitch at break, innit.

Dem is rank snakes and dead to man for snoggin’ behind man’s back. It is da worst crime a bruv can do to a cuz, still.

And now man has to suffer confinement for sayin’ man’s true beliefs about Drilla in Miss Jackson’s history class, like man’s bruv Nelson Mandela. But him’s woz for a sumfink else beef ting wot he believes in, not about Drilla da pussy’ole.

Them’s himprisoned Nelson for twenty seven years, then bruv’s crew made a diss track and da hauthorities gave bruv him’s freedom as Lord Nelson Mandela of Traflagar, innit.

When mandem crew heard about Active J’s ooman civil libertines bein’ stolen and blud bein’ hillegally banged-up at ‘ometime, dem’s lay down a peng freestyle about da corrupt hauthority of feds an’ Miss Jackson, called Free Active J.

Miss had better listen to da track and not leave Active J bare unread for twenty seven years, coz Drilla will well get off wiv Lady G again then. Rankman.