THE high-impact multi-position end-changing shag is the dream, but what you really fancy is a nice lie down. Combine the two for lovely low-maintenance orgasms:
The pub table crisps
As in the generous pub behaviour of tearing a packet of Walkers open and leaving them spread and ready for the whole table? This position is the sexual equivalent. Splay yourself open on the bed and let your partner lick their fingers and go at you.
Cloth tease
The opposite of striptease, this is where you layer up for warmth and still negotiate sex with zero flesh exposed, like mole people. The only foreplay will be a gentle zip, the only effort light rocking. Can’t be done in onesies. A terribly lackadaisical way to conceive a child.
The Jabba
Taking inspiration from the Star Wars character, this position involves slow, laboured movements, zero attention to personal hygiene and no pressure to omit any noise besides the odd unintelligible and unsubtitled grunt. The aim isn’t to have sex, it’s to repulse your partner into not wanting it.
The Madame Tussauds
Like a waxwork of Posh Spice, give him one of those handjobs where you curl your fingers and fix them in place, then let him fuck away. No wrist action required; the most basic level of providing a hole. Or the female equivalent where you lay two fingers on the bed and she grinds against them until you take credit for having found her clit.
Sexual Harrassment in the 1970s
Re-enact the crudest, most basic sexual harrassment possible, such as provided comedy in that dark decade: the man presses against the woman from behind, gropes her tits and continues grinding until he’s spoiled his underpants. Lying down, but he still says ‘Cor!’ and ‘Bloody hell, love’ occasionally.
All the trimmings
Not so much a position as a technical set-up. Outsource all the effort by getting porn blaring on as many screens as you have charged, all the sex toys you own out on the bed, including electric toothbrushes and appropriately-shaped vegetables, then open the love-aid buffet. Serve youself.
