THE Season of the Puffer is on us, and everywhere humans are swaddled in so many inflated compartments they look like they’ve pulled the string on a fucking liferaft.
Warm, ubiquitous, and making everyone look exactly the same, they’re fashion in its purest form. But how should you wear yours?
On public transport
Resembling boxes of ornaments bubble-wrapped by professional movers, buses full of puffas snake through Leeds. They could collide head-on at full speed and all the passengers would be fine. Plus, want two feet of personal space between you and everyone else? That’s how thick your coat is, girl!
On city streets
Bouncing around like soft little pinballs, the zip of nylon against nylon the only sound, all snug in their own personal pockets of insulation, refusing to even share their body heat with others, could there be anything more London? These metaphors are alive!
On a country walk
Nothing sets the amateur apart from the pro more than tramping through the woods with a takeaway coffee and a rose-gold ankle length puffer! Best teamed with white trainers and you’re giving everyone serious Lockdown II vibes.
With noise-cancelling headphones
‘Fuck off world,’ your puffer is telling everyone, and ‘yeah, go on, fuck off’ your high-end headphones sneer from behind its bulk. Why, you’re barely more than a cocoon from which come summer a transcendent butterfly will emerge, still in the fuck-off headphones!
With ten extra pounds
What’s the point of being thick if you ain’t getting thicc? The classic puffer dwarfs turns even the most powerfully built into slim wrists and ankles poking out of a sleeping bag, so add an extra insulating layer of pure fat underneath and revel in it. Nobody will ever know!
With another puffer underneath
If a thing’s worth doing well, it’s worth going beserk with until all utility has been systematically removed and replaced with style, so double and triple up! Wear a casual gilet over a thigh-length puffer, and a natty puffer jacket under that. You won’t be able to fit through doors! They’ll be rolling you home!