The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Bruce bastard Springsteen

22nd July 2022

WAKING after 36 hours of dreamless sleep, feeling well rested, I notice a fresh scar on my abdomen and realise I am missing a kidney.

It all comes back to me: that chance meeting with those Romanian Orthodox priests, the gallons of overproof vodka we shared. Still, I reflect, after decades of vigorous use the kidney is near-worthless and its loss affords me to the opportunity to have it replaced with one harvested from an altar boy.

I make the necessary calls, take breakfast and read of a ‘critical incident’ as passengers travelling to France from Dover face six-hour delays.

You know what? Serves us, the nation of cunts we are, right. We fucking voted for a hard border with France, because Lord forbid they should come slithering over here with their hooped jerseys and frog’s-legs-breath as and when they pleased. And now we’ve got a fucking hard border and the gammon are roasting with indignation! Just glaze them with fucking honey and they’re done! Another Brexit bonus! Leavers didn’t take into account that England’s such a fetid tosshole its citizens are desperate to flee the fucker, did they? Now everything’s snarled up to buggery! Hahahaha, allez les French, make the fuckers wait!

I announce to parishioners at evensong that tickets for Bruce Springsteen’s forthcoming tour are now on sale, with some at over £400 thanks to Ticketmaster’s ‘dynamic pricing’.

Bollock naked Jesus on a flaming unicycle, never mind fucking oil extraction, piss extraction is where the fucking money is nowadays! Still, a fucking Springsteen fan and his money are soon parted, eh? Fuck me with a broken chair leg, you’d have to pay me ten times that to watch that turgid fucker sweat and croak through his back catalogue! If you sang properly, your meathead fans wouldn’t have thought Born In The USA was a Reagan anthem! ‘Hwwwooggh grroough – fffroooaggh mmmm, I was – born in the USA!’ I mean, the fuck?

Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss are the final candidates to be prime minister with both pledging to continue policies including tax cuts and deporting asylum seekers to Rwanda. Truss seems most likely to prevail.

Holy Immaculate Cuntception, is it too early to say Bring Back Bunter? This is how it’s been since 2010, isn’t it? Each regeneration of the fucking leadership worse than the fucking last, and so it’s destined to continue, worse and worse, madder and madder, until we end up with the fucking ghost of General Pinochet running the fucking Tories!

Finally, the heatwave has brought out the stoicism in the Royal family: from Prince Charles in jacket and tie at the height of the heatwave to Prince George in a formal suit as temperatures hit 40 degrees.

What the fuck is wrong with you masochistic psychos and the massed morons who cheer you on? Is this to show how much fucking better you are than the commoners? This is all you’ve got? The ability to self-suffocate in raging heat? You know what I’m wearing under this cassock? Fuck all! I’m dangling like a pair of fucking monkeys in the treetops! One gust of wind, that cassock rides right up and you’d fucking well know all about it! Bollocks to you all, one and all, yes, you too Missus, take a long fucking look!

Missionary and other sex positions I haven't tried yet, with Ryan Gosling

21st July 2022

THE STAR of Netflix blockbuster The Grey Man is a heartthrob for millions. He tells us about the sexual positions he’d love to try but hasn’t got round to:

Missionary

I’ve heard so much about this one. And while I’m Ken in the upcoming Barbie movie, I’m not all smooth down there. I have a cock, balls and the requisite pubic growth. Though mine are Hollywood genitals and incredible to look at. Like beautiful, undiscovered rainforest far up the Amazon river.

That said, I can’t really explain why I’ve never tried missionary. I was plucked from school aged 12 to be in The Mickey Mouse Club and they weren’t big on sex education, but Britney and Justin were in the same club and they worked it out. I must make some time to give it a go. I bet it’s great.

Doggystyle

Again, I’ve heard fantastic things about it. And after playing Noah in The Notebook, it’s been easy charming ladies into bed, but doggystyle? No. I’m an animal lover so I find it disrespectful, and three years ago I adopted a rescue dog called Lucho and it makes me think about how he has sex. Not tenderly, like Ryan Gosling might do it, in a lake in the rain with a wet shirt clinging to his abs. But roughly, from behind, like a Doberman. Because he’s a Doberman.

The 69

Okay, now I know this one’s not real. What? It is? I thought it was a meme. Well, you try juggle independent passion projects with Hollywood blockbusters and see how much time you have left for Googling ’69’. Truth is I’m too busy. For La La Land I took four hours of jazz piano lessons a day. After that, you aren’t racing home to stimulate a woman’s clitoris with your tongue while she performs fellatio. As Tom Hanks told me, ‘They don’t give Oscars for oral.’

Reverse cowgirl

I did have a failed attempt at this once. But when she climbed on top – no names, I’m a gentleman, it was Kat Dennings – out of habit I began to inhabit a character, a heartbroken cowboy called Gideon Sawyer crossing Montana on a cattle drive while trying to forget his wife Alice who he’d lost to scarlet fever. It was an absolute boner killer but the pitch is in development with Dreamworks.

The upside-down cake

Guys. Come on. I’m Canadian.