WAKING with a hangover so intense that some sort of silver liquid matter is dribbling from my ears, I reflect upon meeting President Trump during his visit to the UK.
I was invited to meet Mr Trump in my capacity as head of the church, so I suggested that we might play a round of golf at a course near Windsor. I informed them that it was a pastime with which I was unfamiliar, and whose rudiments he could teach me.
We duly met up on the opening tee, with cameras present for the photo opportunity. With an air of unworldly piety, I clasped my hands around the handle of the club as Mr Trump advised me on stance, grip, swing and so forth. I pulled the club right back, swung, missed the ball entirely and caught the president squarely in the face.
Nose bloodied, Mr Trump set me up again. I swung and again smashed Mr Trump full in the face. Blood now gashing from a cut beneath his right eye, he set me up a third time, only for me to miss yet again and knock out half a dozen of his teeth. At this point the president’s security stepped in to call a stop to our golfing.
It so happens that in my youth I was a county golfing champion and know exactly how to handle a club. However it is well-known that Mr Trump likes to feel he is the best player on any course, so naturally I did not divulge this.
With a wry smile, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that King Charles, after hosting a lavish reception for Trump, stated that he had been ‘very easy to deal with’.
Haha, my dead dog’s cock roasted in a bap, was he fuck! You will have had the shittiest time of your life, having to nod politely as the senile fucker rambled on about fuck knows what and his wife stared suicidally into a void! You’d have known the tureen of soup you’ve all been ladled has been comprehensively pissed – and possibly shat – in by the kitchen staff! I bet the excruciation of having to spend time with this fucking moron made you cancel all engagements and go on a fucking three-day bender! Oh yes, I know you like a drop, I’ve seen your fucking capillaries!
Robert Jenrick, writing in the Daily Telegraph, has demanded that studying the Battle of Britain should be compulsory in British schools.
You fucking reckon, eh, Bob? Typical woke lefties, removing it from the fucking curriculum, eh? You know who removed it? Michael fucking Gove. The compulsory World War II topic was removed from the National Curriculum and made optional in 2013 when Gove was education secretary. That’s a fucking spanner in your perpetual indignation machine, isn’t it, you fatuous, flabby-faced cunt! You’re not fit to do the fucking coffee run at a branch of Foxtons, let alone be anywhere near fucking politics, you twat and three quarters!
Paul Ovenden, a senior aide to Keir Starmer, has resigned after offensive, misogynistic sexual texts emerged relating to MP Diane Abbott. While apologising, Mr Ovenden added that ‘it is chilling that a private conversation from nearly a decade ago can do this sort of damage’.
I’ll tell you what’s fucking chilling, it’s that the Labour Party is riddled with racist, sexist cuntery like this and this would have festered unchecked if you’d not been found out! I mean, who the fuck are you and what sort of ‘advice’ has a horrible little arsewipe like you been feeding into the ample space between Starmer’s ears all this time? Oh the irony of it being the ‘Labour’ party. Have you ever done a day’s work in your life that wasn’t scheming with your little behind-the-scene cliques to fuck up any prospect of a left-wing government? Good honest graft that, now fuck right off!
Finally, it seems that many thousands of flag-bearing members of the public attended a march in central London organised by far-right agitator Tommy Robinson. Many commentators have claimed they did so because they felt they were ‘not being listened to’.
There’s a fucking reason no one listens to you cunts, and that’s because you’ve got fuck all coherent to say! You’re the dragging knuckles on the hands of humanity, spouting your thick shitkicker opinions pulled out of your arses, egged on by the world’s worst grifters! It’s a fucking good idea not to listen, because what you’re saying is: ‘Let’s kick out the immigrants who keep the country running while we pointless racist parasites stew in self-pity.’ Excuse me if I don’t write that down on a Post-it note in case I fucking forget it!
