WAKING up with a hangover so excruciating I briefly consider hiring an online exorcist to banish it, I reflect on another eventful week in my ministry.
Prince Andrew has been the subject of much media attention after being stripped of certain titles due to revelations in the posthumous memoir of Virginia Giuffre. He thus requested a private audience with me, in the hope that I might act as a spiritual buttress for him. This was granted.
‘I’ve given up an awful lot of my titles, you know,’ Andrew told me.
‘Really?’ I say. ‘Such as?’
‘Well, I am no longer Grand Duchy to the Order of Water Rats, or Honorary President of the National Budgerigar Association, or Chief Coxcomb in the Scatological Shakespeare Appreciation Society, or -’
‘But you’re still Prince Andrew, right? I mean, that’s the fucking obvious one. Give that up, and we can talk.’
‘But – stripped of my Duchy status, my Coxcombry, surely that is punishment enough?’
‘Nonce Andrew.’
‘What?’
‘Change your title to Nonce Andrew. Then we can do business.’
Andrew gibbered something to the effect of saying he would ‘think about it’, then scuttled away, pleading an urgent engagement at Pizza Express.
Shuddering at the memory of recent proximity to this aristocratic reptile, I take a heavy shower, then a light breakfast, and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Maccabi Tel Aviv, a club known for racist anti-Arab chants and violence, will not be taking up their ticket allocation for a match against Aston Villa next week. The government, who tried to overturn a ban by Birmingham police, said they were ‘deeply saddened’ by the Israeli fans not attending.
Fuck my dead cat and the taxidermist who stuffed him, this is the weirdest, most arse-backwards, bullshit episode in British politics I can fucking remember! The British government is so fucking unconditionally pro-Israel that Labour is now the pro-hooligan party? Too fucking right that these genocide-loving scumbags have been banned from our streets despite the best efforts of OUR OWN FUCKING GOVERNMENT! Of course, if they’d actually got here there’s no fucking way Starmer or any of his front bench mates would have gone within a hundred miles of Birmingham on the night! Looks like you won’t be angling for free seats in a corporate box for once, you shameless, hypocritical cunts!
Paris is still reeling from the ‘heist’ at the Louvre in which thieves made off with a haul of jewellery worth 88 million Euros.
Imagine a fucking pimple on a gnat’s left bollock. Now, imagine taking a tiny shaving off that pimple, then dicing it into 20 segments. One of those segments is roughly a trillion times the size of the fuck I give about this fucking robbery! A bunch of stones of no aesthetic worth I don’t give a fuck about transferred from a glass case to some hiding place! What kind of gormless, vacuous, trinket-adoring species are we that we let our jaws drop in thrall to stories like this? Ever wondered why aliens don’t visit this planet? It’s the same reason none of us go to fucking Stoke-on-Trent! We’re not fucking worth it!
In this week of all weeks, Ian Dunt wrote approvingly of the monarchy in The Independent, saying that ‘a politically neutral head of state allows us a figurehead who everyone can admire, across the political divide’.
Fuck me, of all the complacent, dull-arsed centrist takes on the fucking modern monarchy, this one takes the Gordonstoun spunky biscuit! We know exactly what Charles’ political views are, on account of him having gassed on about them most of his adult life: a weird mix of ecology and – guess what? – a strong belief in monarchism. He’d like us to be forelock-tugging serfs slaving on his vast organic estates in a shitty agrarian society! Not to mention the fucking fact that in proper monarchical times you’d be dead by now, Dunt, you useful idiot!
Finally, Donald Trump has asserted that the US Department of Justice may have to pay him $230 million in reparations for their past investigations into his activities. The final decision lies with him, he added.
Every fucking day this senile, latterday fucking Nero outdoes himself! Straight up asserting his right to help himself to the nation’s coffers as compensation for looking into his manifest, manifold fucking crimes! I mean, he’s beyond parody but that a turd like him could be defecated into high office by the American political system surely proves that America is Land of the Fuckwit! Seriously, though, there’s going to be one big, global fucking street party when the good news about Trump finally breaks! And I don’t mean his fucking second term ending!
