The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Liz bloody Truss and that coffin dodger the Pope

WAKING in a bathing costume in a giant vat at a whiskey distillery, I vaguely recall a late-night urge to emulate the feats of England’s Commonwealth divers with my counterpart the Archbishop of Dublin, whom I was meeting in an ecumenical capacity. 

He is still asleep, mouth half-open, imbibing whisky in a markedly piscine manner. I, however, must repair to church and preside over matins. 

That done, I peruse a free copy of the Daily Express, in which I read that candidate for prime minister Liz Truss said: ‘The fact is there are too many people in this country who are ashamed of our history, who talk our country down, who say the best days are behind us. They are completely wrong.’

Christ’s wet wanksock, you’ve talked some elephant’s bollocks but this is the topper! How the fuck can the same people who are ashamed of our history simultaneously think our best days are behind us? Does your fucking brain run any sort of check on your words as they come tumbling like inept acrobats out of your fatuous fucking mouth? You’d be less of a fucking liability if you bought a Black & Decker drill and decided to have a pop at fucking brain surgery! Thick as fucking fossilised baboon shit!

Muse have re-entered the fray with a new album, Will Of The People. Speaking to the Guardian, frontman Matt Bellamy described his politics as ‘meta-centrist’, drawing on all political traditions.

‘Meta-centrist?’ Mega-wanker more fucking like! Anyone heard this new fucking album? Histrionic, high-register, sub-sub-sub-Radiohead bollocks getting a ninth fucking outing! About as artistically valid as a driverless muckspreader running amok in a town centre, showering mechanically generated shit in all fucking directions. With a worryingly large section of British youth gratefully accepting it with open fucking mouths! Muse? Cunts, more like!

The new film Batgirl has been cancelled by Warner Brothers, despite being well into the post-production stage.

As I said to my congregation when this news broke, the church brings you the Good News, and this is the best fucking news all week! Grown fucking adults – albeit ones who read comics and are still virgins – would have paid money to gawp at this bilge like cattle staring at a fucking fire engine! They shouldn’t just have binned this one. They should have binned the whole rectum-dwelling, self-important, pseudo-Gothic franchise of any fucking superhero film with ‘bat’ in the title! 

Finally, it seems that Pope Francis, who has suffered health issues in recent years and is finding international engagements increasingly stressful physically, is reported to be contemplating retirement.

Jesus on a cuntstick, what’s up with you left footers? Why are you putting this poor fucker through the mill? He’s fucking 85! He’s no more fit to be doing a Papal work schedule than he is to be fired out of a fucking cannon! Give the fucker one last job – I dunno, consecrating Vatican wine to tide you over till the next bloke – then let him be. Seriously, you won’t catch me putting in a shift when I’m that age! I’m counting the fucking days till I retire! Then it’s fuck you and your carriage clock and if you need me, I’ll be at fucking Spoons any time from 9am onwards! 

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Haaland as captain: A sneak peek at my Fantasy Football team, by Beyonce

I’M glad my new album got leaked early, as I can concentrate on Fantasy Football before Arsenal’s tricky season opener to Palace. Here are the selection headaches I’ve managed to overcome.

Haaland as captain

When I’m not releasing million-selling concept albums which cover everything from racism to my husband’s infidelity, you’ll find me watching highlights of the Bundesliga. Which is why Haaland is my captain. I’m so confident I popped into Ladbrokes to stick a few quid on him to be top scorer at 11/4. Stole a few of those little pens while I was there. Always handy to have around the house.

Salah is definitely worth £13.0

Mo Salah is expensive but I think he’s well worth the 13.0. Especially as he’s listed as a midfielder. You can pad the rest of your midfield out with cheaper players like Mount, Eriksen or Zaha. Jay-Z and I were having our toad in the hole the other night and he’s building his midfield around Kevin De Bruyne. I said, ‘Don’t get me wrong, KDB is world class. But personally I think Grealish is due a big season. Now pass the onion gravy, Jiggaman.’

Forest might surprise people

They’ve been in the doldrums for a long time, so it’s great to see Forest back in the Prem. Cloughie will be looking down with a smile on his face. I think they’ll surprise a few people. Keep it tight at the back with Nico Williams (4.0), bang in a few goals with Brennan Johnson (6.0) and have 29-year-old TikTok-loving man-child Jesse Lingard (6.0) pulling strings in midfield. 

Ronaldo is finished

Don’t get me started on Messi vs Ronaldo. In Destiny’s Child me and Kelly were Team Messi whereas Michelle liked CR7. But what does Michelle know? She came fourth in The Masked Singer and I’m practically a billionaire. I respect Cristiano because, like me, he’s still killing it at almost 40. But I think he’s done at United. ‘Gimme Jadon Sancho any time,’ I told Jay, but he was busy with his homebrew stout.

Take a punt on Mitrovic

Fulham might be a yo-yo club but the fact Mitrovic scored over 40 goals last season can’t be ignored. He’ll be trying to do it at Anfield and the Etihad this season, not Kenilworth Road and Deepdale, but I think he’s worth a punt. That reminds me, if you go to Deepdale, the ‘2 Pies & 2 Beers’ deal saves you some serious cash. For £12 I got chicken balti pie and a lager and Jay went for meat and potato and a John Smith’s. Both absolutely lush.