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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that utter cock Michael Gove

WAKING in the crypt, I recall beginning morning service by performing a magnanimous ecumenical gesture. Taking wine at the altar, I felt the Lord urging me to crack an 1881 Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

‘The blood of Christ!’ I declared, holding the goblet aloft before imbibing it in a gulp. For emphasis, I repeated the gesture. And again, and a fourth time. ‘Fuck me, that’s good stuff,’ I observed and thereafter, all is a daze.

Staggering into the light, I receive the news that Michael Gove has retired from frontline politics and has been described as a ‘heavyweight’ and a man of compassion and erudition.

Christ’s loincloth hanging off a cockstick, Michael fucking Gove? That horrible, oily, Murdoch-fellating little shit? Have you ever seen the tosspot in real life? He’s 1ft 6ins, lives in a hollowed-out oak, has a wooden stick for a nose and a long fucking tail poking out of his shorts! He’s also got a magic wand he uses to fuck up every government department he’s ever been involved with! The one good thing Johnson did was to sack the fucker! A termite would have made a better cabinet minister than this pop-eyed, two-faced cunt!

Robbie Williams is back in the public eye having re-recorded his hits with a full orchestra.

Fucking hell, talk about slapping gold leaf on a barrel of baboon’s turds! What kind of pitiful puddle of a person would feel ennobled by listening to Rock DJ given the fucking full Wagnerian treatment by classical musicians thoroughly pissed off at wasting their training sawing and parping away to flatter the ego of a gurning shite like Williams! Fuck off to the deep hole of irrelevancy that was dug for you 16 years ago!

Former Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis has revealed the forces within the BBC working for the Conservative government, which could well have affected recent elections.

Really? You don’t fucking say. None of us fucking noticed, after they invited Nigel Farage onto Question Time 35 times, that BBC News was about as balanced as a see-saw with Boris Johnson on one end and the Larry the twat Downing Street cat on the other! Pity you didn’t say anything at the time, eh? That might have fucking helped! 

Finally, Chancellor of the Exchequer Nadhim Zahawi has responded to the cost of living crisis by suggesting to the public that they use less energy.

Seriously? That’s all you’ve fucking got? Would it help the climate crisis if we exhaled less carbon dioxide? You fucking bastards think being in government’s about swanning about in private planes, handing out contracts to your mates and dressing up as construction workers like you’re in the fucking Village People. I’m Archbishop, and my private life’s my own fucking business, but when I climb into that cassock, hungover and angry, I do my fucking job. Your fucking job is to govern, you awful streak of prime twat, not state the horse’s arse bleeding obvious! 

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Five accents that are a piece of piss for a proper actor, by Sean Bean

NAH then. Proud Sheffield native and Blades fan Sean Bean here. Sometimes acting means doing a non-Yorkshire accent. I can do these five in my fucking sleep: 

Yorkshire

Alright, I know what I said, but not just South Yorks. I can do Middlesbrough, Leeds, Hull and even a solid stab at Harrogate. For longer roles I stick to Sheffield but remember not to add ‘duck’ to the end of sentences. Must have said that 50 times in one Game of Thrones scene. That’s why they chopped me fucking head off. Wasn’t in the script.

All-purpose American

I’ve done shitloads of Yank films. Equilibrium, Silent Hill, The Island, all the ones you see on 5USA and ITV4. I don’t buy into this idea that the US has loads of different accents. Why would they? So just do the main one, throw in words like ‘sidewalk’, ‘sneakers’, ‘eggplant’ and ‘fanny pack’, and if you’re floundering slap your knee and shout ‘yeee-hah!’ Requires reshoots? Yes. Director gets a mard-on? Yes. I still get paid at end of week so fuck it.

Robot

Haven’t played a robot yet but it’s coming. I can feel it when I piss. Anyway I’ve been practicing, because it’s not just adding ‘bleep’ and ‘bloop’ and saying ‘I could fucking murder a pint of oil’. You also have to do the arms and shout ‘mal-func-tion….mal-func-tion’ before powering down as if you’ve run out of batteries. Four decades of acting experience here. Invaluable.

Baddie

Done a ton of these bastards and it’s a breeze. There’s posh and there’s Russian and there’s combinations of the two. Speak slowly, as if the script wasn’t bollocks, and any old shit sounds convincing. I did that Bond with Pierce Brosnan and to this day I don’t know what the fuck it was about. Ping pong possibly.

Orc

Before this new, fancy TV version, I was in Lord of the Rings. They killed me off, the wankers. Shot me full of arrows. Anyway, I was pissed off with the whole affair because first New Zealand’s like Yorkshire but not irreparably scarred by coal mining and steel production and it’s a fucking shame. Second, I actually wanted to be an Orc. I’d spent months doing the voice in the bath. But no, I had to play soppy bollocks Boromir instead. It’s a tragedy. I’d have pissed it as Orc Lieutenant 1.

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