The Archbishop of Canterbury on... you know Christianity says bad people get tortured, right, Russell?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like the drummer of the beat group Metallica soundchecking his bass drum, I push aside the many empty vodka bottles strewn across my bed and stagger, blinking, towards the bay window of my chambers. 

Sunshine! The first proper sun since September. Filled with something akin to the Holy Spirit, and a rush of blood to the head, I dance out and resolve to take full advantage of this rare boon. 

I duly head for the grassy paradise of Parliament Square and since I worship the sun more than I do that spurious old fraud God, I strip right down to my socks and let the great orb do its thing. 

Unfortunately, I become involuntarily tumescent as a recollection of Penny Mordaunt at Prince Charles’ coronation intrigues me strangely. In my raptures I fail to notice the growing interest of passers-by.

Photos in the tabloids blur out my member. However, I am congratulated by cultural and religious commentators for helping to humanise the church with my open display of enthusiasm for the bounties of spring. That accomplished, I return to my chambers to peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that former Tory MP Natalie Elphicke has crossed the floor to join Labour, who have greeted her enthusiastically. 

Dig up my dead dog and use it as a sex toy! What a kick in the bollocks for anyone stupid enough to believe this Labour Party are anything other than a competing estate agency trying to out-Foxtons Foxtons? Didn’t statements like ‘Why we should piss on the heads of refugee children’ or ‘Those women who took my handsome husband to court were conniving sluts’ make you fucking wonder if she was exactly Labour material? It’s not ‘building consensus’, it’s tearing down the red flag and wiping your fucking arse on it just to get into Number 10! I hope it fucking collapses on you while you’re giving Reeves and Streeting the fucking house tour, Keith!

Meanwhile, David Lammy has castigated Gaza protestors, saying that Nelson Mandela would not have agreed with their methods, while also stating that he could find ‘common cause’ with Donald Trump.

You really are a seriously distended lump of opportunist cunt, aren’t you? Read your fucking history books! Nelson Mandela started out as a fucking terrorist! And given the racist fuckers he was up against, good for him! Think he’d have a problem with students breaking a couple of windows? And yeah, I bet you could find common cause with Trump, you creepy, odious, conniving, slimy fucking greasy turd of a fucking twat. Two lying, ambitious, unscrupulous, shameless streaks of fuck prepared to say anything to get to the ‘top’. You’re practically fucking twins!

Russell Brand is in the news again, having declared his commitment to Christianity and recently getting baptised. ‘I’m learning and I will make mistakes, but this is my path now,’ he said.

Haha, d’you think a couple of dabs of water are gonna wash away your deadly sins, you awful, beardy shithead? So you’re a Christian, eh? I’m C of E so I don’t actually believe in that stuff, but since you do, here’s where you’re heading: purgatory. That means 20 years of you attached to a spit with your balls roasting like fucking chestnuts. At the end of that you’ll have your evil penis sliced up salami-style and served to you in a fucking bap. And then you’ll be ushered into a dungeon where everyone you’ve fucked over will get medieval on you with a variety of implements! Still, I’m sure you did your research before your latest fucking attention-seeking me-me-me bollocks!

Finally, after the Tories’ abysmal local election results, Suella Braverman declared in the Telegraph that ‘the hole to dig us out of is the PM’s and it’s time for him to start shovelling’.

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. You’re in a fucking hole. Carry on digging. It’s mystifying that with a high-calibre brain like yours you’re not in Number 10 right now. But no, seriously, carry on digging. It’s what you dreadful cunts have been doing since roughly 2020. Carry on digging, shovel the soil over yourselves and bury yourselves till you fucking suffocate. And don’t come back as fucking zombies. Only Jesus is allowed to do that.

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A white home counties roadman has him's right to swag violated in a hexam

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has sat an end of year hexam an’ been deprived of him’s basic roadman rights.

Wagwan? Man woz turbo-vexed, then man woz not. Earlier in da week Active J ‘ad him’s history hexam, an’ man ‘ad to write about da heuropean convection of da ooman rights to flex swag, an’ give a hexample of dem not bein’ upholded.

Mandem crew all wrote about Rishi an’ da governmentdem flyin’ da boat people on holiday to Wagwanda. But Active J woz bare vexed coz him’s ooman roadman rights were bein’ trampled on in da hexam, so man wrote about dat, innit.

First, dem suffocate Active J’s moosic by puttin’ man’s phone an’ pods in a clear bag. Man’s hand felt so weird wivout him’s phone. Den the hauthorities stole Active J’s henergy drink an’ made man drink raw water in a clear container wiv no branding. Raw water is rank, bruv!

Dem school hoppressors den banned man from freedom of hassembly an’ of hassociation wiv mandem crew. We ‘ad to sit on da separate tables, so when man got up to fist-bump Drilla for makin’ a fart noise when Miss Jackson walked past, Miss went deep mental, innit, an’ man ‘ad to sit right at da front. Urgh, brutal!

Man’s right to flex an’ swag like a boss gangsta woz suppressed all through da hexam. Man couldn’t talk, chew, drum on da desk or beatbox. Even Active J’s freedom to hexpress feelings for him’s nang gyal woz violated, just coz man woz air-snoggin’ Lady G across da room. Wot is dat about, bruh?

A teacher from da regime even followed Active J to da toilets, to make sure man woz only vapin’ an’ not cheatin’. It woz like man woz in a maximum-wasteman prison ‘n’ ting, or like Ray Winston Smith in dat Big Bruv book, innit. It woz a leng relief to be set free on da hastroturf at break.

Later in da week, Miss Jackson gave out da papers, an’ said dat despite bein’ a deadman loser Active J got da bare top marks for him’s roadman rights rant. Bare gassed! Miss Jackson is well peng.