THE Matrix: literate, postmodern action movie or portentous load of shit that spawned an incomprehensible franchise? Was it shite the whole time?
Keanu Reeves’s acting
Anyone who lived through the early 90s will remember it as a terrible, blighted time when Keanu Reeves thought he could act. This film largely put paid to that, but he’s still shit. If you found out your whole world was a simulation run by machines, you’d at least say ‘what the f**k?’ Not Keanu. A gormless ‘woah’ and an expressionless ‘no way’ push the limits of his acting capabilities.
It’s not as original everyone thought it was
The Matrix was a wholly original and groundbreaking film if you have never experienced any other sci-fi or read Greek mythology. Back in 1999 this demographic included everyone, so critics were dumbfounded by ideas and visuals already explored in Ghost in the Shell, Akira, and Metropolis, which had been out for 72 years so there was no excuse.
You couldn’t move for floor-length leather coats
You used to have a leather coat. You looked cool in it. Then The Matrix came out, every fucker in Forbidden Planet was wearing one and you didn’t want to be lumped in with those neckbeard losers. You had nothing in common with them except for your fashion sense, buying comics, taste in film and burning desire for Carrie-Anne Moss.
It gave internet edgelords ‘red-pilling’
The red pill was a neat realisation of Neo’s dilemma: does he take it and learn the truth about the Matrix, or carry on as usual? A plot device hijacked by the biggest twats on the internet who want to turn people on to their misogynistic worldview. If The Matrix caused Andrew Tate, perhaps it should never have been made.
Bullet time wore off fucking fast
Bullet time was cool in The Matrix. An innovative special effect, it was used sparingly to tell the story. Then Scary Movie and Shrek started using it and the novelty wore off fucking fast. By the time the sequels came out, bullet time had become as repetitive and empty as the franchise itself.
Those bloody sequels
Two of them in a year? Wow, 2003 is going to be the best year for cinema ever, we erroneously thought. The third Matrix movie made $300m less than the second. That’s how let down we were. MTV’s spoof of The Matrix Reloaded was vastly preferable to the source material. The less said about 2021’s fourth instalment, the fucking better.
