'They put your sixth-form politics student showreel on the news!' my wife calls. 'That's a party political broadcast,' I explain

12th January 2023

From the diary of Rishi Sunak, Britain’s only prime minister in 2023 thus far

I KNEW it had started and sneak in to see Akshata watch it. ‘They stitched you up! They got your A-level coursework!’ she calls out.

‘Oh Lord the stare,’ she continues, unaware I am in the room and temporarily struck dumb. ‘He looks like when a baby first learns to focus. Okay, this is going to cost you in polling.’

‘It was filmed last week,’ I say, conveying resolute assurance in my voice. ‘No no not that one,’ she continues. ‘This is the one they did in the media studies suite at your school when you were 16.’

‘No, this is the one,’ I say, firmly. ‘Nuh-uh,’ Akshata says. ‘This is old. It’s obvious because your speech is just totally generic and promising to fix things but there is nothing in detail.’

I don’t say anything, preferring to radiate gravitas and wisdom. Which definitely works, because Akshata turns to me, realises I’m serious, and then covers up her error with hysterical laughter for some minutes.

‘So what did you think?’ I ask, subtly signalling that we have had our fun and entered a more earnest discussion. ‘Tell me it wasn’t on TV,’ she says. ‘Tell me it’s just YouTube.’

‘It was broadcast on the BBC and ITV yesterday evening,’ I say, with a tremor of pride in my voice. ‘Just before The One Show.’

‘So people have seen it? Okay. First you come in smelling of NHS and cheap private jet, then this? Not a great start for you. How are you going to pull it back?’

‘This is how I’m pulling it back,’ I say. Her expression is not especially kind.

From girth to approachability: penis qualities, ranked by the Mash sex columnist

11th January 2023

IN the horn-free light of day, nobody’s patting a penis on the head and giving it a little stroke. They’re even more repulsive than hairless cats.

And yet they inspire an inexplicable fascination, largely among the men who have them but also to their sexual partners. But of the many qualities a dick possesses, which is most important?

Odour 5/10

Sniffing a dick is like sniffing Marmite: even if you can’t get enough of it, you’re still faintly disgusted. Whether mildly pissy or full-on childhood hamster cage after three weeks without cleaning out, there’s no olfactory delight to be had.

The only acceptable smell for cocks is soap, but unless you’ve ruined the moment by sending him off to wash himself, it’s likely the stench of his member will have overridden all hygiene. And he’ll come back from the bathroom flaccid.

Attitude 3/10

All dicks seem pretty pleased with themselves, especially if hard, but their attitudes do vary. From charmingly approachable to aloof as the Mona Lisa. Worst are the arrogant shlongs who think they’re all that: waving themselves in your face and your fanny like they’re the solution to global warming and the cost of living crisis, all rammed into one pipe of overexcited meat.

Size 7/10

They say size isn’t everything, and that’s true as long as it’s big enough. Too small and you’ll find yourself thinking wistfully about your dildo. Too big and you’ll be preparing yourself mentally like an Olympic athlete. Where is the elusive Goldilocks penis, neither too big nor too small nor freakishly misshapen, but just right?

Consistency 9/10

You’re no use as a knob if you can’t reach a certain level of hardness and, crucially, sustain said consistency for the duration. Otherwise it’s like making an omelette and realising it’s turning into scrambled eggs: satisfaction becomes panic becomes resignation to wedging it in your mouth and hoping for the best.

The man attached 8/10

It’s just a tool, and it’s all in the skillset and mindset of the user. Which depends on factors ranging from how much he’s shagged about in the past, how much porn he watches and believes, how bloated he is after a meal, how pissed he is, etcetera. Frankly they’re unfit to be in charge of a penis.

Familiarity 10/10

In the end, what really makes a dick stand out from the crowd is whether or not you’ve already met it. There’s nothing worse than a new cock pressing up against you eager for an introduction. Give me one that I’m used to rather than getting to know the foibles of a fresh helmet any day.