'To run for election against Gary Lineker is brave but foolish,' Macron said. 'He isn't running for anything,' I explained again

from the diary of Rishi Sunak, prime minister of Fortress Britain

‘I WOULD not run against Zindane,’ Macron explains. ‘He would steamroller me. So you should not run against Gary Lineker.’ ‘I’m not,’ I say, again. 

‘Or Henry,’ he continues. ‘Deschamps, Desailly, even Cantona. Platini, I could take on because his image has been tarnished by Fifa and he has lost his hair.

‘Lineker? Looks better with age, less boyish. With him as leader of your opposition I regret to say, mon ami, you do not stand a chance.’

‘He isn’t,’ I explain. Our Gallic cousins do love to hear their own voices raised in oratory, often to the exclusion of hard factual information. It’s amazing they’ve achieved so much as a country, with that and enjoying sex too much.

‘Gary Lineker,’ I continue, ‘is not a politician. He is a mere television presenter like your Antoine de Caunes, and has no influence on politics. I could fire him tomorrow.’

‘Eh?’ replies Macron, puzzled. ‘So you have entered hostilities with an immensely popular footballing hero and he is not even a politician..? Pourquoi?’

When I fail to answer, because I’m wondering if the French have a word for nuance, he continues: ‘Anyway. The small boats plan. It is merde.’

Discreetly opening Google Translate under the table, I say ‘Then we’re agreed? We’ve got your co-operation on stopping this illegal and dangerous trade in human misery?’

‘Non,’ he replies. ‘It is like Brexit: if they wish to leave the EU, why should I stop them? We have racists here too, you realise. A problem for you is a problem solved for us.’

‘Oh,’ I say. ‘But it’s my only hope of winning the next election.’ ‘Win?’ Macron laughs, raising his Bordeaux Blanc. ‘Non. Not you. My money is on Lineker.’

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It can’t be racist, because it's Suella Braverman

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who thinks the Channel should be electrified

FOR all those liberal halfwits condemning the government’s fair-minded policy to enslave asylum seekers as racist, I have six words: it can’t be. It’s Suella Braverman. 

You know her? Suella Braverman? The home secretary, and a daughter of immigrants? And not white or white-adjacent ones either, but proper Indians? Who came from Africa so that counts double?

Your insipid progressive Islington whines about this tough-but-cruel policy are silenced in the face of Braverman. If anyone should think immigration’s a good idea it’s her, and she doesn’t, so therefore nobody should.

And who’s she got backing her up? Checkmate, liberals, because it’s only Rishi fucking Sunak. Britain’s first Indian prime minister, elected by the Conservatives. Well not strictly elected, but you know.

Know more about what’s racist than them, do you? Then tell them to their faces that they’re being racist. That you know more about immigration than they do. Whitesplain that.

Braverman would know if these migrants were genuine. She’s only one generation away from being one of them. If there were good hearts in there she’d feel it.

So when she states that they’re all Albanian gangsters wanted for sex trafficking and murder and Rwanda’s too good for them she’s telling the plain, unvarnished truth.

When she says that 100 million refugees could be coming here? She senses it. She feels their rapacious hunger to drain our benefits system dry while enlisting our toddlers in county lines drug gangs.

Just as I sense we’ve finally, after the insipid and over-kindly Priti Patel, got a home secretary with the fire and steel to repel these pirates boarding Britain. Laws be damned.

And what are you going to do about it, liberals? Call it racist? But it can’t be. It’s Suella Braverman.