What kind of infidelity is right for you? asks the Mash sex columnist

YOU’RE bored, you’re living a lie, and you’re interested in seeing what the young people are doing with their public hair these days. All valid reasons for having an affair. 

But before you plunge into an illicit liasion with a bipolar pole dancer, calm your titties and ask yourself: what flavour of unfaithfulness passes my taste test? See below:

With a friend

Easy, inevitable and his number’s already in your phone; shagging a mate is the only sensible way forwards. Why just risk ending a relationship when you could also ruin a friendship? Add that to revealing your genitals to someone you’ll wash up with at barbecues in the future, and this really is madness. And there’s nothing sexier.

With a stranger

Reduces risk because nobody knows who the hell this girl is and you’ve saved her as Dave Plumber in your phone. But effort-intensive as it involves the long road of persuading a stranger that you’re worth a fuck in the first place, and avoiding ever going through that again is why you settled for monogamy in the first place. Also, she could be unhinged.

With an ex

The lazy fuck for lazy fucks, the simplest way to get a new cock in your life is to re-christen an old one. Plumping for someone you already know in bed and in person is the Netflix of adultery – a few familiar buttons pushed and you’re supine on the sofa being halfway entertained. And he’ll probably keep it quiet because he’s just as ashamed as you are.

With a professional

Is it even infidelity if the third party’s being paid? Or are you just making your own contribution to Britain’s thriving services industry? Ultimately, when you hooked up with the girl from the OnlyFans, aren’t you a victim of capitalism’s transformation of sex into a commodity? Don’t even bother making the argument because you won’t get caught.

With a figment of your own imagination

Subtracts the physical element, which is considerable, but makes up for it by opening the doors to every other option. Any number of lovers possessed of whatever anatomical implausibilities you see fit to include can be yours without even changing out of stained sweatpants. You won’t be rejected and you won’t be found out. However, it is just wanking.

With nobody

Exhausted just reading this? Don’t have the imagination or the energy? Realised it’s not just your boyfriend you’re bored with, but the very concept of sex? Give it up. You get all the kicks you need from sending and receiving witty memes. The only fling you’re having is with a bag of honey-roasted peanuts and a box of Cabernet Shiraz.

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Your astrological week ahead for March 24th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Amazing to think Salt-N-Pepa would never have recorded Push It if their Hillman Imp had started first time.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

This week, seize the day. Seize it! Get a hold of it and pin that fucker down! It’s getting away! Guards!

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

It’s terrible meeting an Olympian in person because they expect you to remember what sport they did.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Women: Save money on manicures by getting one hand done and keeping the other in your pocket.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

The Kray Twins would have been far less menacing if they had been triplets. They would just have been funny.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘Big naturals’ is an unpleasant phrase, yes, but not when you compare it to ‘big unnaturals’, so perhaps your search history isn’t so reprehensible after all.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Birkin bag? No, this is a Parkin bag. For keeping parkin in.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

There you are, at the gig, and the singer’s exhorting everyone to make some noise? When that’s what he’s paid for?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Never mix antipasta and pasta on the same plate. The resulting explosion will destroy the world.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Homes Under the Hammer is unrealistic. You never see an evil property developer’s plan to turn a rundown old theatre into apartments ruined by a team of Muppets organising a talent contest.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Dance like no one’s watching. Love like you can’t be hurt. Do a massive Guinness dump in your parents’ downstairs loo.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

This week you announce your residency in Las Vegas. May 26th to June 1st. Room 3012, the Golden Nugget Hotel and Casino.