Your astrological week ahead for May 11th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You only went to Blackpool because its name made you think it was a black, unholy pool of evil in which foul things lurked and occasionally, terrifyingly, emerged. You soon found out it’s not that nice.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The judge may sentence you to trial by Kafka, but you’ll never really know what you’re accused of.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Oh wow, were the reality shows we said were exploitative shite 25 years ago actually exploitative shite? Thanks Gen Z for your f**king wisdom.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Achieve mental clarity by dispatching half a bottle of Sriracha directly up your bumhole. And let us know if it works.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

The love you take is equal to the love you make, which economically speaking is a fairly pointless exchange.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

It used to be great to be a eunuch. In third century China they ruled the roost. What changed?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s irritating when Outlook underlines ‘wanker’ or ‘twat’ as potentially offensive. How you refer to your mum is none of its concern.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

Once upon a time this country built things to last. Now it’s all recyclable this, biodegradable that. Shame.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one’s listening, sleep like no one’s hiding under your bed with a massive meat cleaver and a clown mask on.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Jousting should come back. Not just for the spectacle, also the money it would bring to local communities. It’s obvious when you think about it.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

A bitter wind shouts its way down the moonlit lane. Entwined branches cast shattered-glass shadows over the pockmarked ground. A sense of foreboding cloaks darkened streets like a dreadful shroud. But personally I’m having a quick wank and a Hobnob then an early night.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

One day, in the future, there will be a new medium which analyses celebrity podcasts at length. But with a bit of luck there’ll be a nuclear war before then.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... you know Christianity says bad people get tortured, right, Russell?

WAKING up with a hangover that feels like the drummer of the beat group Metallica soundchecking his bass drum, I push aside the many empty vodka bottles strewn across my bed and stagger, blinking, towards the bay window of my chambers. 

Sunshine! The first proper sun since September. Filled with something akin to the Holy Spirit, and a rush of blood to the head, I dance out and resolve to take full advantage of this rare boon. 

I duly head for the grassy paradise of Parliament Square and since I worship the sun more than I do that spurious old fraud God, I strip right down to my socks and let the great orb do its thing. 

Unfortunately, I become involuntarily tumescent as a recollection of Penny Mordaunt at Prince Charles’ coronation intrigues me strangely. In my raptures I fail to notice the growing interest of passers-by.

Photos in the tabloids blur out my member. However, I am congratulated by cultural and religious commentators for helping to humanise the church with my open display of enthusiasm for the bounties of spring. That accomplished, I return to my chambers to peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that former Tory MP Natalie Elphicke has crossed the floor to join Labour, who have greeted her enthusiastically. 

Dig up my dead dog and use it as a sex toy! What a kick in the bollocks for anyone stupid enough to believe this Labour Party are anything other than a competing estate agency trying to out-Foxtons Foxtons? Didn’t statements like ‘Why we should piss on the heads of refugee children’ or ‘Those women who took my handsome husband to court were conniving sluts’ make you fucking wonder if she was exactly Labour material? It’s not ‘building consensus’, it’s tearing down the red flag and wiping your fucking arse on it just to get into Number 10! I hope it fucking collapses on you while you’re giving Reeves and Streeting the fucking house tour, Keith!

Meanwhile, David Lammy has castigated Gaza protestors, saying that Nelson Mandela would not have agreed with their methods, while also stating that he could find ‘common cause’ with Donald Trump.

You really are a seriously distended lump of opportunist cunt, aren’t you? Read your fucking history books! Nelson Mandela started out as a fucking terrorist! And given the racist fuckers he was up against, good for him! Think he’d have a problem with students breaking a couple of windows? And yeah, I bet you could find common cause with Trump, you creepy, odious, conniving, slimy fucking greasy turd of a fucking twat. Two lying, ambitious, unscrupulous, shameless streaks of fuck prepared to say anything to get to the ‘top’. You’re practically fucking twins!

Russell Brand is in the news again, having declared his commitment to Christianity and recently getting baptised. ‘I’m learning and I will make mistakes, but this is my path now,’ he said.

Haha, d’you think a couple of dabs of water are gonna wash away your deadly sins, you awful, beardy shithead? So you’re a Christian, eh? I’m C of E so I don’t actually believe in that stuff, but since you do, here’s where you’re heading: purgatory. That means 20 years of you attached to a spit with your balls roasting like fucking chestnuts. At the end of that you’ll have your evil penis sliced up salami-style and served to you in a fucking bap. And then you’ll be ushered into a dungeon where everyone you’ve fucked over will get medieval on you with a variety of implements! Still, I’m sure you did your research before your latest fucking attention-seeking me-me-me bollocks!

Finally, after the Tories’ abysmal local election results, Suella Braverman declared in the Telegraph that ‘the hole to dig us out of is the PM’s and it’s time for him to start shovelling’.

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. You’re in a fucking hole. Carry on digging. It’s mystifying that with a high-calibre brain like yours you’re not in Number 10 right now. But no, seriously, carry on digging. It’s what you dreadful cunts have been doing since roughly 2020. Carry on digging, shovel the soil over yourselves and bury yourselves till you fucking suffocate. And don’t come back as fucking zombies. Only Jesus is allowed to do that.