Aries, March 21st–April 19th
On Friday you finally unmask former Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-Moon as grafitti artist Banksy. It was right there in the name all along.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
There’s no way you’re going back to working in the office, especially after you were fired for gross incompetence and charged with embezzlement. You’d like to see them try!
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You’re fully aware it’s bad luck to break a mirror. But that twat was giving you the eyeball so you went in with the head. No regrets.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Stop filling up that online shopping cart and visit your local, independent retailer. Then you can at least see how big 14 inches actually is before you commit.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
This week you will meet a tall, dark stranger who brings tremendous good fortune. Or you should, but your Nan won’t open the door to him because he sounds foreign.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Like a Virgo, touched for the very first time, by Barry Hassall behind the chemistry block after the school disco.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
FIXED PENALTY NOTICE: you discussed contemporary Iranian cinema in less than glowing terms while in a signposted liberal area. Pay £60 within 28 days or £120 thereafter.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Drake’s a Scorpio. Your pathetic little life could not be more diametrically opposed to his life of mansions and girls and success. And you still believe in this astrological bollocks?
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Whichever spammer emailed ‘Hey whats up, want to kiss my tits’ wildly overestimated your erotic stimulation response time if they thought you’d last long enough to click the link.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Who’s the bastard in the black? Darth Vader maybe? He certainly fits the criteria.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
‘Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves’ sounds great until you’re up in court on charges of pound neglect.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
‘Dress for the job you want, not the job you have,’ is what you’ll tell HR when they ask why you walked into a key stakeholder morning meeting wearing assless chaps.