Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

On Friday you finally unmask former Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-Moon as grafitti artist Banksy. It was right there in the name all along.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

There’s no way you’re going back to working in the office, especially after you were fired for gross incompetence and charged with embezzlement. You’d like to see them try!

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’re fully aware it’s bad luck to break a mirror. But that twat was giving you the eyeball so you went in with the head. No regrets.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Stop filling up that online shopping cart and visit your local, independent retailer. Then you can at least see how big 14 inches actually is before you commit.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

This week you will meet a tall, dark stranger who brings tremendous good fortune. Or you should, but your Nan won’t open the door to him because he sounds foreign.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Like a Virgo, touched for the very first time, by Barry Hassall behind the chemistry block after the school disco.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

FIXED PENALTY NOTICE: you discussed contemporary Iranian cinema in less than glowing terms while in a signposted liberal area. Pay £60 within 28 days or £120 thereafter.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Drake’s a Scorpio. Your pathetic little life could not be more diametrically opposed to his life of mansions and girls and success. And you still believe in this astrological bollocks?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Whichever spammer emailed ‘Hey whats up, want to kiss my tits’ wildly overestimated your erotic stimulation response time if they thought you’d last long enough to click the link.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Who’s the bastard in the black? Darth Vader maybe? He certainly fits the criteria.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

‘Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves’ sounds great until you’re up in court on charges of pound neglect.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

‘Dress for the job you want, not the job you have,’ is what you’ll tell HR when they ask why you walked into a key stakeholder morning meeting wearing assless chaps.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… the Chelsea FC shitstorm

TAKING a moment before choral evensong, I learn that Roman Abramovich’s assets have been frozen, throwing Chelsea FC into turmoil, unable to sell match tickets or merchandise, their future uncertain.

Haha fucking ha! I tell you, this is the first fucking belly laugh I’ve had since this fucking shitstorm broke! I rolled round the fucking chancel of Westminster Abbey in a pool of my own piss when I heard this. Chelsea! Oh, my fucking scrotum! Tell who I feel for, mind – all those fucking Chelsea fans who chanted ‘Roman Abramovich’ during the pre-match tribute to Ukraine the other fucking week. I bet they must be absolutely fucking devastated. Is there nothing we can do for them? Well, yes. They are in dire need of handkerchieves. Send them your fucking used handkerchieves, snot-, shit- or wank-stained, for them to rub their fucking red faces with. Chelsea! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bunch of cunts!

There has been talk that Tony Blair might be called in to help out the Labour Party in an advisory capacity.

You are shitting me, right? I mean, shitting and fucking pissing me simultaneously, yeah? That boggle-eyed streak of fucking goat toss? As we see time and again, the British people are a bunch of colossally stupid cunts but polls show even they fucking realise what a ruinous waste of space this fucking warmongering wanker is. Even fucking Putin’s embarrassed at all those photos of him posing alongside Blair back in 1999. He’d no idea what a fucking disastrous arsehole you’d turn out to be on the fucking world stage! We know what your fucking advice would be – pretend it’s still fucking 1997! Well, fuck that, fuck you and fuck off to find some fucking dictator to shill for, you loathsome cunt!

It seems that Sam Ryder has been selected to represent the UK in the forthcoming Eurovision Song Contest, having made quite the impression on TikTok.

Fuck me bandy, have you seen the fucking state of this fucking fucker? He looks like a fucking fugitive from a Finnish forest commune circa 1971! There’s no excuse for beards that length at the best of times – I’d issue fucking on-the-spot fines if it was up to me – and these are the worst of fucking times and this is the worst of fucking beards! As for the fucking histrionic, paint-stripping fucking yelping you call ‘singing’, I’ve heard better emanating from a fucking seal with a penguin lodged up its fucking arse! Fuck off back to the internet, you copper-bottomed cunt!

Finally, Priti Patel has come under criticism for her sluggishness in allowing Ukrainian refugees into the UK.

Well, there’s a big fucking surprise. Priti fucking Patel, the Creature from the Planet Cunt, a woman who’d wouldn’t let her own fucking parents back into the country if they left it for a fucking weekend in Calais! ‘You should have thought of that when you left these shores, mother, father. Why didn’t you holiday in Skegness like true patriots?’ A thick, nasty, incompetent, unfit, smirking, twisted, sadistic lump of turd toxins who probably couldn’t find her way out of a fucking cabinet with the fucking instructions written on the inside door! It’s fucking incorrectness about everything gone fucking mad!