Aries, March 21st–April 19th
There’s a party in your pants and everyone is yet to RSVP – apart from an old colleague of yours from way back when, who politely declined.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Why don’t bollocks do that Newton’s Cradle thing?
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Those sea monkeys you got for Christmas back in 1994 are still alive. And they’re out for revenge.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Job postings all think they want a ‘rock and roll’ salesperson until the new hire smashes a piss-filled bottle of Jack Daniels at the reception desk before writing ‘Death’ on their chest with a broken stapler.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Your ‘guess how many sweets are in the jar’ competition had a minor hiccup, so now it’s ‘guess how much broken glass is in the sweets’ and proving just as popular.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
You always get a little kick out of the fact your targeted ads get the wrong town. Like you give a fuck that Stafford residents born between 1955 – 1989 are getting great life insurance deals when you live in Stoke-on-Trent.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Not so quick to take their Jubilee bunting down, are they?
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
If a YouTuber doesn’t film their random act of kindness does it even happen? No, it literally doesn’t.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Andrex have released a definite statement on which way round the toilet roll should go: ‘It doesn’t matter because ultimately, it’s going up your arse’.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Now available: Captain Tom’s Vaping for Victory carts. Choose from liver and onion or hearty fish pie.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
You’re a social smoker, which is to say you nick proper smokers’ fags and they hate you.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Do the birds at the zoo know they’re only in there to make up the numbers? Nobody goes to the zoo to see birds.
