Aries, March 21st–April 19th
When Conan the Barbarian was asked ‘what is best in life?’ and he replied ‘to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women’ when the correct answer was Mars Milkshake.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Ah, hot weather. So lovely in theory.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Weird to think that the singer from Hanson’s first gig was probably a Hanson gig. Weird and shameful.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Now he’s gone, it’s clear that Boris Johnson’s greatest achievement was giving homeworkers the phrase ‘go to the fridge and hack off a piece of cheese’ as a euphemism for wanking.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
There’s an alternate universe where AltaVista became the dominant search engine and people are going about telling each other to ‘Vista it’.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
As a city dweller, you have nothing but contempt for fancy country folk who don’t know how to lasso an Uber or what hours they muck out the Northern Line.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Imagine trying to explain cricket to a foreigner! Especially a foreigner from Australia who already knows the rules, you condescending prick!
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Your worst nightmare comes true at the school fete this week when you reach deep into the bran tub and another hand grasps yours.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
It’s ridiculous how many songs Snoop Dogg resorts to spelling his own name in. You could use it as an educational tool for pre-school kids if he didn’t spell it wrong.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
The footballers are decent at Euro 22 but the hooligans are shit. Shout ‘the referee’s got a bucket fanny’ or you’re disrespecting the game.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Evil clowns but still doing the same clown shit. Evil custard pies and tiny evil backfiring cars and an evil bungling wallpapering routine.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Celebrity news: that Geordie who punched a horse has moved in with cat bin woman. Her previous boyfriend, the owner of Fenton the dog, is furious.