Aries, March 21st–April 19th
You can get an escalator up Ben Nevis if you drop enough acid.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
If they did a glory hole for swiss rolls the line would be out of the door. But they won’t because nothing good ever happens does it.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You buy humane mouse traps off Amazon but don’t notice there’s one letter off. The freak you catch in there is now your responsibility.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
The blue whale might be the world’s biggest mammal but it means nothing if it’s not terrifying. Come on blue whales, fuck something up.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Nor, more importantly, a paedo.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Caffé Nero explains that just as there are rewards for coffee loyalty, there are penalties for coffee betrayal. And they saw you at Costa. Now you pay the price.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
You’re not supposed to feed bread to ducks but throw them handfuls of wriggling worms and people look at you funny.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
As Neighbours is over you see an opportunity for a British version. Graham and Sally are refusing to trim their leylandii trees, Martin has parked on the pavement again and down at the pub there’s a fistfight in the car park.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
The game of Pooh Sticks was originally Winnie the Pooh, Piglet and Christopher Robin shitting off a bridge and seeing whose turd won the race. Honest, it’s in the books.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Chumbawumba never told you what to do when you get knocked down and can’t get up again. Though, since it’s been 25 years since their lone hit, they certainly fucking know.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
The guy at the party with the guitar? Twat. The guy at the party with the keytar? Fucking legend.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You’re getting your five fruit and veg a day by eating five large marrows. Technically you’re in the clear but they’re keeping an eye on you.