Aries, March 21st – April 19th
Don’t worry if you didn’t get the A-levels you wanted. The world needs coke dealers.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
How do you think the original cheese fondue guys felt when they came out with chocolate fondue? Like fucking mugs.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Why does your spam email think you have erectile dysfunction but also need notification of up to three MILF fuckbuddys in your area per day? Surely it’s one or the other.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Ultimately, regarding everything young people say, like and think is a load of bullshit is just way easier. It’s a cost-benefit decision.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Jeff Bezos forces his employees to watch videos of him doing incredible gymnastics routines, so they gain respect for him. What he doesn’t tell them is that they’re all done on greenscreen. He can’t even muster a cartwheel.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
People slag off your battering ram, but it’s opened a lot of doors for you.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Excuse me, you’re in my seat. No I fucking won’t just sit in that empty one over there, I reserved this one so I’d have a perfect view of both luggage rack and toilet.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
The shipping forecast on Radio 4 always gently lulls you off to sleep. Which, as you’re the captain of a container ship, is a real fucking problem.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
As a child, you misheard ‘money can’t buy you happiness’ as ‘mummy can’t buy you happiness’. Which is why you’ve always been closer to your dad.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Ninjas and their throwing stars were massive in the 80s, but you never see them at the Absolute 80s Weekender at Minehead Butlins, opening for Go West.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Do cat-calling construction workers charge a call-out fee?
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You travel in time to Berlin, October 1932 and present Hitler with the missing bollock he’d never got over. He resigns, the Nazis are finished, World War Two never happens. Best of all it was Laurence Fox’s nut you gave him.