Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Monkey see, monkey do, monkey write Hamlet apparently.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
New on Netflix: My Octopus Supply Teacher. Like My Octopus Teacher but this time the guy just fucks around and hands out wordsearches until the bell rings.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You lapped up that article on sex tips for the over-60s. You’re 35 and you’re not getting any, but it’s good to be prepared.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Kaiser Chiefs predicted a riot and just twelve years later a riot marred the start of Euro 2016. And yet they still haven’t been investigated, let alone charged.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Cars have leather seats to make it feel like the olden days, when we used to ride around on cows.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
What’s the point of clouds that don’t rain? Get out of the fucking sky and stop wasting everyone’s time.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Porn has lost its originality. Every video’s stepsister this or MILF that. Good thing you have some compelling plots about an elderly sea captain and a sexy dugong right there in your imagination.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Snails must be so racist towards slugs.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Continuity error: In the movie 1917 you can clearly see one of the soldiers playing Mario and Sonic at the Rio Olympic Games on Nintendo Switch. However, this title was only released on the Nintendo DS.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
You’ve just realised that in the nursery rhyme, ‘this little piggy went to market’ doesn’t mean that he went to buy some grapes. It means he was slaughtered for meat.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Amuse bouche isn’t French for ‘funny mouth’. Now apologise for what you said to that waiter.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
It’s not quiet quitting when you tell everyone about it, dickhead.