Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Monkey see, monkey do, monkey write Hamlet apparently.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

New on Netflix: My Octopus Supply Teacher. Like My Octopus Teacher but this time the guy just fucks around and hands out wordsearches until the bell rings.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You lapped up that article on sex tips for the over-60s. You’re 35 and you’re not getting any, but it’s good to be prepared.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Kaiser Chiefs predicted a riot and just twelve years later a riot marred the start of Euro 2016.  And yet they still haven’t been investigated, let alone charged.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Cars have leather seats to make it feel like the olden days, when we used to ride around on cows.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

What’s the point of clouds that don’t rain? Get out of the fucking sky and stop wasting everyone’s time.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Porn has lost its originality. Every video’s stepsister this or MILF that. Good thing you have some compelling plots about an elderly sea captain and a sexy dugong right there in your imagination.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Snails must be so racist towards slugs.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Continuity error: In the movie 1917 you can clearly see one of the soldiers playing Mario and Sonic at the Rio Olympic Games on Nintendo Switch. However, this title was only released on the Nintendo DS.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

You’ve just realised that in the nursery rhyme, ‘this little piggy went to market’ doesn’t mean that he went to buy some grapes. It means he was slaughtered for meat.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Amuse bouche isn’t French for ‘funny mouth’. Now apologise for what you said to that waiter.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

It’s not quiet quitting when you tell everyone about it, dickhead.

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Five signs I could be a vampire, with Harry Styles

HEARTTHROB, popstar and now actor Harry Styles has, like many of us, always suspected he may be a vampire. These are his reasons: 

I do dress rather flamboyantly

Fashion’s an area of concern. Vampires dress fancy – sharp suits, big collars, capes – and I’m noted worldside for my elaborate outfits. There are shirts I’ve worn that would make any Dracula drool and that I’d look absolutely natural playing a Gothic pipe organ in a mountainous castle in. Not proof on its own but reason for suspicion.

I’ve never been fond of garlic

When I was filming Don’t Worry Darling, every minute I wasn’t acting or getting off with the director I was bollocking the on-set caterers for using too much garlic. He put it in fucking everything and when you’re romancing a sophisticate older woman who’s technically your boss, garlic breath is unhelpful. But he wouldn’t stop. Flo Pugh reeked of it. I didn’t want to go anywhere near her. I don’t think that was deliberate.

I mostly come out at night

But the thing to remember is all my gigs are at night. I’m kind of an evening shift worker. And while I’ve had sunburn, I don’t shrivel and die when whichever Victoria’s Secret model I’m banging throws the curtains wide in my penthouse suite and the light streams in. I get a headache at worst. I’ll continue gigging at night and just hope I’m not bad like Spike was when he started in Buffy but good, as he became from season four onwards.

I have an English accent

As do most vampires. Occasionally they’re English but talking kind of Eastern European but it’s still largely British, like the Cheeky Girls. I’m aware I share my English accent with around 56 million people, discounting the population of Birmingham and those spaced-out clowns in the West Country, but still when you start to add it all up, the evidence mounts, you know?

I could be immortal

The fact of the matter is, I haven’t died yet. Immortality is therefore very much on the cards. I’m not going out of my way to prove it because I’d be taking drastic action which could backfire badly on my career and life. Maybe Kurt Cobain was trying to prove he was or wasn’t a vampire, I can’t say. Also am I scared of bats, or do I see them as rivals? Makes you think.