Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Look, it’s been 30 years. You need to move on from Ride’s second album not living up to their debut.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

When people say they’re giving birth to a tiny human you think ‘fucking hell’ but then remember they mean a baby. Just a normal baby.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

The most important things in life are the ones money can’t buy, like having a big cock.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

These ‘humane’ mousetraps sound a bit woke. If they eat your Mini Cheddars they deserve what’s coming to them.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Weird how in so many movies a crystal is the key to unlocking the legendary lost city of Laputa or whatever, while in real life they’re cheap sparkly tat.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Congratulate your LinkedIn connection Prince Charles for starting a new position!

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Playing Wonderwall on acoustic guitar is harder than it looks. First you need to fight off all the people at the party who are trying desperately to stop you.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

It is sort of pathetic how much fun kids have in a park. Like seriously, it’s a fucking slide.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Children should not watch television for two years after they are born. That would be far too long.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Logically, Burger King now has to change its name to Burger Queen.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Sometimes you wonder if your life is really happening, or if you’re in a really, really, mind-numbingly boring simulation some dickhead nerd made on his Amiga 500.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Cluedo should realise that you can generally tell whether someone was killed with a rope or a lead pipe by just fucking looking at them.

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Be too dumb to get in: do university on the cheap with the penny-pinching expert

THIS time of year sees university towns infested with students, all being ripped off for nasty accommodation and piss-poor education. But not me. I’m thick. 

Sounds too simple? But it’s true. Simply by being shite at academic subjects, failing my GCSEs and never progressing to degree-level, I’ve saved myself tens of thousands.

University these days is like flushing money down the fucking bog, without even the chance of heading to the beach and catching it emerging from the sewage outfall. Especially if you’re doing a BA in English Language when spellcheckers exist.

But if you’re too stupid – or fake it – you can swerve the whole scam entirely. Student loans? Not your problem. Eye-watering interest hikes on said loans? Not your problem. And with a lower income from not having a fancy graduate job, you’ll pay a lot less tax.

But how can I get the benefits of university, you ask? How can I enjoy cheap beer, bad hash, heartbreakingly gorgeous girls who aren’t interested in me and not going to lectures?

Well, if you want the experience of being patronised by lecturers who will go to any lengths to avoid you, pop along to an open day. Totally free to attend and you can truthfully list ‘attended Durham University’ on your CV. Who’s the smart twat now?

Want the good stuff? Every town has a student pub, and you can get an NUS card simply by attending two French lessons at a night school. You’ll get cheap pints, knobheads spouting misunderstood philosophy from their seminar, wannabe Footlights stars doing shit material and the real sense that you don’t deserve to be there if you’re not rich.

But how do I waste three years of my youth doing fuck all that’s any use to employers? No need for uni. Just read at texts random, gaze longingly at the back of a crush’s head while ignoring a lecture on YouTube and make misguided decisions a parent bails you out from.

Don’t worry about not standing out in the job market. This country no longer tolerates intellectuals, meaning stupidity is both thrifty and good for your career. You’ll be managing postgraduate tossers in no time.