Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Parents, be sure to check your children’s Halloween sweets. There have been reports of sick individuals putting Bountys in there.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
The grass is always greener on the other side. And the snow is always yellower where the dogs have been.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Don’t be tempted to experiment with a Ouija board this Halloween. You’re already a gullible bastard who believes in horoscopes so there’s no need to advertise it.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
A friend says he has ‘an exciting project in the pipeline’. You’d find out more, but you’re worried he’s just planning a massive shit.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Ants can lift up to 20 times their bodyweight, which is still absolutely fuck all. They should stop showing off about it.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Films are too long nowadays. ET The Extra-Terrestrial was just 1 hour 45 minutes, and the Zapruder film was only 26 seconds.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, but you can’t hope to compete with soft drinks giants like Schweppes. Looks like a popular humorous quote is talking shit again.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
‘The Devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape,’ said Shakespeare. If you see a particularly sexy octagon, under no circumstances have sex with it.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
As a Sagittarius you are a thinker, a seeker of truth who always needs to know more. How tall is Kirsty Gallacher? Who invented Lilt? Did Skeletor need to shit?
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Other famous Capricorns include JRR Tolkien. You haven’t created a vast, richly detailed fantasy world that has enchanted people for almost a century, but you have got weirdly hairy feet.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Aquarians always think of others, so befriend an old person this winter. Make it clear you want some good stories about killing Germans in the war, not boring shit about their grandchildren.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Have a spooky evening with adult friends this Halloween by telling scary stories about people with no pension who are still renting when they’re 50.