Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

All crimes are crimes of passion if you absolutely love crime.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Are You Being Served? would never work now. Zoomers would be baffled as to why Mrs Slocombe was talking about her cunt all the time.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Reports coming in of fans ‘hamstering’ in Qatar, in which they save a big swig of beer in their mouth from home until the game.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

If you were given a cursed monkey’s paw with three wishes, you’d ask for sensible things and there would be no unintended consequences. Afterwards you’d pop it on the mantelpiece.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You’ve got World Cup fever! FIFA bought the naming rights to rubella and you only have weeks to live.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You sit down for a bowel movement and a jangling torrent of coins splashes into the bowl. Finally! You’ve hit the jackpot!

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If you’re checking this because your ex is a Libra and you want to know if she’ll get back with you, don’t bother. She’s moved on.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Having a ‘water butt’ in the garden is nothing to do with diarrhoea. You know that now, and you’ve apologised.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

They shouldn’t report Scottish weather. It’s depressing even if you don’t live there so it must be much worse for them.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

After years scanning through eBay, you finally find what you’ve been looking for: your entire childhood. Buy It Now for £139.99.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Are Swedish people aware we’ve named that particular root vegetable after them?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Did you know? The raven that was tapping on Edgar Allan Poe’s door was originally a penguin, but that wasn’t scary so he changed it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the twatting Qatar World Cup

RETURNING to consciousness in a prison cell, a fresh gash on my forehead and my kneecap sore as if repeatedly and vigorously applied to a groin, I recall how I came here. 

At dinner with an esteemed Catholic counterpart, I fell into heated argument over the vexed theological issue of transubstantiation.

Increasingly querulous as the table wine flowed, I snarled ‘blood of Christ? Piss of Christ, more like’ before flinging a cup in his face. An altercation ensured where the police were called but not before I had got in a good few blows, as ersatz Defender of the Faith.

Arranging bail, I return to my chambers where I learn the economy is in a parlous state, officially in recession and Britons paying more tax for poorer public services. Chancellor Jeremy Hunt blames ‘global factors’.

Christ’s sizzling cock on a kebab skewer, ‘global factors’? Global factors that happen to have dumped us neck-deep in shit while leaving the rest of the world out of it? There’s five fucking reasons why it’s come to this: Brexit, the Tories, Brexit, the Tories and Brexit. We’d be this fucked if there’d been no Covid and Putin and Zelensky were gay lovers in a civil partnership! 12 years of Tories gorging themselves in the public trough coupled with what even the idiots who voted for it are realising was the single stupidest decision any nation has ever made! Brexit! Not that the BBC or Labour dare say it, but Brexit!

Shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves has excoriated the government for ‘making families pay for their economic carnage’. On Twitter she commented, ‘Today people will be asking themselves: are me and my family better off with a Conservative government?’ while in September she accused the government of ‘actively working against families’.

Fucking hell, what is it with you and fucking families? Do people only count if they’re in a fucking family? Suppose you don’t want a fucking family or can’t have a fucking family or hate your fucking family? Have you got to go find some other political party? My family caught me having a wank in the garden shed when I was 16 and sent me into the sodding church! Ruined my life, the cunts! Families can fuck right off!

The Qatari authorities have at the eleventh hour banned the sale of alcohol in and around the stadia at the forthcoming World Cup, raising the ire of sponsors Budweiser.

You know, it’s fair to say I don’t see eye to eye with the fucking Qataris but they tickled my funny bone with this one! I mean, any cunt looking for a mass piss-up who chooses Qatar of all places deserves to get mugged! And if told in advance the only beer on sale is fucking Budweiser, whose manufacture literally involves brewery employees pissing into vats, they deserve to be double-mugged! Serves you right for abandoning every scruple a decent person might have and choosing to attend this sportswashing shitshow!

Finally, David Baddiel, Frank Skinner are to issue a festive version of Three Lions to mark the winter World Cup. It will feature altered lyrics such as ‘Three Lions on a Sleigh’ and ‘Yule Rimet still gleaming’.

How to mix a cocktail of liquid shite by putting together the four worst things in the world:  the Qatar World Cup, Christmas, the fucking England team and songs about the fucking England team, shake vigorously and shower fucking everywhere! You’ve released this bastard about 12 times, we’ve all heard it 12,000 times and with this being a tournament built on the back of fucking slave labour, some of us don’t feel like doing the conga to your shit tune tarted up with some crappy puns! Fuck off, you pair of greying, irrelevant old cunts!