Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You could never make The Good Life today, when everyone has a pig in their garden.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Decades after singing them at every assembly your whole childhood, you can still remember four or five hymns. Who says the devil has all the best tunes?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Okay. Turns out the dog zoo is some kind of rescue facility?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

If Batman had been Ratman he’d be very different: no sonar, unable to fly and his breeding sites wouldn’t be protected by conservation laws.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Of all the possible red flags in a relationship, the biggest is ‘she only communicates by semaphore’. But hey if the sex is good.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Ask an expert if you like, but there’s no way that two vultures wheeling in slow, gentle circles in the sky above you at all times is going to be good news.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If a couple moves in together and discover they have exact duplicates of every single item, down to the same editions of the same books, it’s easy to split up and also they should.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

The Great Gatsby could never stare at a green light for so long today. The fuckhead in the Volvo behind would beep and flash his lights.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You and your wife have your sex tape openly displayed, on the bookshelves, with ‘SEX TAPE’ on the spine. What’s anyone going to do? It’s Betamax.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Your assumption that Peaky Blinders was about blind-fitters in variable health was, it turns out, entirely wrong.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Imagine if weeding gave you actual weed. Our verges would never have been so pristine. Let’s scatter marijuana seeds everywhere and make a better world.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th 

Identical twins are freaky if you think about it and also if you don’t.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Rishi Sunak, the hypocrite's hypocrite

WAKING following a late evening that turned into a morning followed by an afternoon, I find myself at the wheel of a car that has pranged the gates of 10 Downing Street. 

I must admit I had been driving around London, albeit at a scrupulous seven miles an hour, for some time following a meeting with the British Methodist Episcopal Church which ended in karaoke, a drinking contest, a fistfight and no-holds barred naked wrestling.

A story is concocted involving a bystander who will be imprisoned for no more than a year as I am discreetly escorted back to my chambers to peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Rishi Sunak has asserted that immigration figures are currently ‘too high’ but that he has measures in train to reverse this trend.

Really? How about you fuck off yourself, set the ball rolling? Seriously, cunts like Enoch Powell were bad enough but the likes of you and Braverman gassing on like this, like turkeys complaining about nut roasts at Christmas, is unbelievable! Do you think the racists you’re pandering to wouldn’t be herding you on the fucking boats if they got their way? Does the fucking irony of this not hit you on the head like a anvil dropped from the top of a skyscraper on a daily basis? Basically, if you and Braverman had got what you apparently want back in the day you’d never have been let near the fucking UK, you stupid, short-trousered prick! Let any cunt who’s daft enough to want to come live in this burning, quasi-fascist shitheap of a country come! And, by the same token, get us back in the fucking EU so that every fucker who wants the fuck out of Britain, and there are millions of us, can fucking do so!

The death of Rolf Harris at age of 93 was announced this week.

Fuck me bandy, there’s the secret of a long life, also known as the Kissinger formula – be an absolute, remorseless, glassy-eyed cunt! Still, let’s face it, you’d have been wanking behind your fucking wobbleboard if it weren’t for you being, like Jimmy Savile, paedo by Royal fucking Appointment! Painting the Queen, for twat’s sake! What is it about the Royal Family and kids? If you actually fucked your dogs and horses they’d be a moral cut above where you are now!

Singer Tina Turner also passed on, prompting ‘Britain’s strictest schoolteacher’ Katherine Birbalsingh to tweet a picture of Ms Turner and her abusive former husband Ike with the caption ‘good times’.

Rat’s cocks in a barrel of vinegar served at a hipster pop-up, what the fuck? I mean, more specifically, what the actual fucking fuck? Either you’re the disgustingly evil cow of Hades, which would explain you speaking at the National Conservatism conference spouting your swivel-eyed fucking bilge and this is your devilishly contrarian idea of what ‘good times’ constitute for obedient wives, or more likely, you are thick as prize-winning pigshit! Either way, no fucking way should you be near kids! Go sit in the corner and wear the dunce’s cap you think schoolkids should still be wearing in the fucking 21st century! Never mind deleting your tweet, you should be deleting yourself from public life, you abomination!

Finally, Chelsea lost yet again this week with their expensive signing, Mykhaylo Mudryk, failing yet again to score. Mudryk was upbraided after posting video footage of an elderly man working out followed by a question mark.

Well, after that howling miss from three yards out you left us with a open goal there, didn’t you pal? Find out who this bloke you filmed is, put him in your shirt and see how he fares upfront – as well as you, I’d suspect, and a fraction of the fucking cost! Fucking Chelsea, eh? Spend a budget of both Iraq wars combined on your squad and get your arses kicked by fucking Brentford, a bus stop with a stadium attached! Tell you what, Chelsea, if you get relegated next season, and who’s to say you won’t, I’ll personally ring the church bells at the fucking abbey!