Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Thatcher would have fiercely opposed Ulez. ‘Ulez if you want to,’ she’d have said. ‘The lady’s not for lezzing.’
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Lock up your daughters. Not because anyone sexy’s in town, but because you suspect they may have committed armed robbery.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Is Yevgeny Prigozhin still alive?! Or is your new bald boss, who admittedly is a vicious, tyrannical piece of shit, nevertheless an entirely different person?
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Oppenheimer would have had an easier time if he’d created something that benefited the world, like ‘Honk If You’re Horny’ stickers.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Mum, it’s me, my phone got lost and I can’t access my account. Can you send £1,209 to this sign of the zodiac?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Gandalf shouldn’t have come back as Gandalf the White. He should have come back with a leather jacket and a blue mohawk and declared himself Gandalf the Punk.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
“So just as we’re going into Shostakovich’s Chamber Symphony, he realised I’ve swapped his cello for a massive violin. The look on his face!”
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
“This Christmas’s hottest novelty gift? Luis Rubiales, The Kissing Spaniard is the new Big Mouth Billy Bass.”
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Wait, for all the other people celebrating 4/20 it’s a weed thing? They don’t even know it’s Hitler’s birthday?
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
It’s no wonder Turkey’s become the place to go for hair transplants. Their hair is so thick and so lustrous.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Oddly, you didn’t even notice there were no A-list stars on the red carpet at the Venice Film Festival. Maybe because you’re not there, it doesn’t matter and nobody gives a fuck.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Rolling Stone magazine’s stopped lying to itself and admitted the Album of the Year has been, for the last forty-three years, Van Morrison’s Moondance.