Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Would it kill them to add some of those 1960s Batman onomatopoeia animations to hardcore pornography once in a while?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

They say do one thing every day that scares you, but the ghost train’s not back in town until October.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans. Rugby is a hooligan’s game played by gentlemen. Badminton is a game played by nonces and IT professionals.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Where have all the good men gone? I dunno. Lanzarote?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

It’s a terrible shame Joe Jonas’s marriage has failed because he couldn’t give up on fucking his brothers.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

People say TK Maxx is a lucky dip. But for me, a man with a two-metre torso, one foot two sizes bigger than the other and who eats lavender-scented soap, it’s comfortingly reliable.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You miss telly when there was only four channels. It was easier watching total shit night after night when they didn’t force you to choose it yourself.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

There are fewer serial killers these days because everyone rents. Hard to break down a body in an acid bath when you’ve got a deposit on the line.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’re not allowed to smoke on planes because nobody is allowed to look cooler than the pilot.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Remember that hilarious clip of the elephant taking a dump on Blue Peter? They all chose straws afterwards and John Noakes had to administer a lethal injection. Not so funny now.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Revealed: the chilling codes burglars use to target YOUR house, including ‘that one, it’s big and there’s no car outside’.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

We’re only about 100 days from Christmas and if that doesn’t cheer you up, we’re only a few years from complete global climate meltdown.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... King Charles III pissing his reign away

WAKING with a faint buzzing about the temples, perhaps as a result of my now-customary Brasso nightcap, I recall the tumultuous events of the past few days.

Booked for an interview with ITV on the place of the Christian church in modern British life, I delivered my prepared remarks with aplomb. However, not realising that the camera and microphone were still running, I continued to speak.

‘The problem is, they’re all sitting on their fucking arses,’ I said. ‘The Chief Rabbi, the Pope, whoever’s in charge of the fucking Methodists, they’re on their arses, the lot of them. If I had a message it’d be this. Get the fucking fuck off your shit-filled fucking arses, you hopeless cunts.’

The exchange was broadcast and I was universally applauded for my candour, voted Archbishop for Life by the dioceses of England in a standing-room-only conclave with the throng hanging on my every word, and received a lavish fruit basket from the Dalai Lama.

And so, as the sun streams in, I peruse a periodical where I read that Prince Charles has been King of England for a whole year.

A pig’s nipple on a fucking pork scratching, a year? Well, that was a year of fuck all of any use or note except bleating for a fucking pay rise, wasn’t it? I mean, probably better that than try to guide the nation, because if you had your way we’d all be wearing smocks and digging for turnips in the giant feudal fucking backyard once known as England but fuck, make yourself useful in some way, you hopeless, hawing mass of burst capillaries! Get pissed and have a plant pot fight with Camilla, just something, any fucking thing! 

The comedian Lee Mack has found himself in hot water after receiving an award from footballer Jill Scott and quipped that ‘to receive a sex toy’ from her was an ‘absolute pleasure’. His defenders have expressed concern that Mack will be cancelled.

Oh, for fuck’s sake! No-one’s getting cancelled! No-one ever gets fucking cancelled! It’s a fucking right-wing fantasy that the world is run by woke tyrants who’ll erase truth-tellers like Mack from existence like Stalin’s crony from a 30s photo! He made a shit, ladwanky joke that belongs somewhere in the mid-90s and he got some pushback, end of fucking story! He’ll be back on telly next week and for the next 30 years because that’s how the world is! Stop it with your incessant sniveling, you self-pitying pricks!

Penny Mordaunt has backed a new National Service scheme for teenagers to ‘boost community spirit’.

Christ on the crapper, what barrel-scraping is this? National Service? Fuck off! If there’s another war it’ll be fought with drones, robots and thermonuclear weapons not a bunch of square-bashing conscripts! It’d be a complete waste of time, the same as it was last time, which is why we got rid of it and had the fucking Beatles instead! You might as well propose bringing back black-and-white TV, the Lord Chamberlain pre-decimal currency and Muffin the fucking Mule! If you want to ‘boost community spirit’ announce a fucking general election for next Thursday and that the Tories won’t be fielding any candidates in it!

Finally, following the prison escape of Daniel Khalife, Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley has said that the escape was ‘clearly pre-planned’.

You think? It wasn’t something he decided to do on a fucking whim? Spotting a delivery lorry and thinking, ‘Ooh, here’s fun!’ Pre-planned? Well, that’d never have occurred to me if you hadn’t pointed it out. Of course it was fucking pre-planned, you stiff fucking waste of a blue cap! You’ll be telling us he was psychologically motivated by the desire not to spend any more time in prison next! I see the shit continues to rise to the top of the fucking Met! Instead of wasting time standing there spouting the cow’s-arse-with-a-banjo obvious, get the fuck out there and catch the cunt, you cunt!