Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Would it kill them to add some of those 1960s Batman onomatopoeia animations to hardcore pornography once in a while?
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
They say do one thing every day that scares you, but the ghost train’s not back in town until October.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Football is a gentleman’s game played by hooligans. Rugby is a hooligan’s game played by gentlemen. Badminton is a game played by nonces and IT professionals.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Where have all the good men gone? I dunno. Lanzarote?
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
It’s a terrible shame Joe Jonas’s marriage has failed because he couldn’t give up on fucking his brothers.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
People say TK Maxx is a lucky dip. But for me, a man with a two-metre torso, one foot two sizes bigger than the other and who eats lavender-scented soap, it’s comfortingly reliable.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
You miss telly when there was only four channels. It was easier watching total shit night after night when they didn’t force you to choose it yourself.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
There are fewer serial killers these days because everyone rents. Hard to break down a body in an acid bath when you’ve got a deposit on the line.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
You’re not allowed to smoke on planes because nobody is allowed to look cooler than the pilot.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Remember that hilarious clip of the elephant taking a dump on Blue Peter? They all chose straws afterwards and John Noakes had to administer a lethal injection. Not so funny now.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Revealed: the chilling codes burglars use to target YOUR house, including ‘that one, it’s big and there’s no car outside’.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
We’re only about 100 days from Christmas and if that doesn’t cheer you up, we’re only a few years from complete global climate meltdown.