Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

What’s ‘Billie’ Eilish even short for? Is it Billicent?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Oh, this is ‘your’ sign, is it? Don’t be so possessive and territorial.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Why don’t people go on seven-year sea voyages anymore, coming back to find their children grown and their wife married to another man?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Bowling for Soup? Scouting for Girls? What’s next, another gerund for noun?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Martin Freeman stars in… The Ice Magic Story. Idris Elba takes the lead role in a movie about deely-boppers. Ian McKellen plays the inventor of flicking a rubber band at your mate.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

If sheep want to be taken seriously they’re going to need to clean all that shit from around their arse.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Was keeping a boxing kangaroo cruel? How could they be when they’re right there dishing it out?

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But my left eye is. Fucking lazy.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Oppenheimer’s still on and it’s become a cult movie. Audiences dress as atomic scientists, play bongos and throw uranium at the screen.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Those tight tees the fellas in Newcastle wear are called howayin’ shirts.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Do not assume your neighbour is not a bus driver because he does not drive home in a bus. He may be cunning enough to leave it at work.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

If you fell into quicksand your first thought wouldn’t be panic but ‘Wow! Quicksand! Like in the films!’

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the eternal irony of Suella fucking Braverman

WAKING with a severe head cold, sneezing uncontrollably, I realise that I have chosen quite the day for it. 

For this morning I am due to host a high-profile fundraising event for various dignitaries, pop stars and showbusiness personalities. And it so happens that whereas the average fellow’s sneezes come out as ‘Aaa-CHOO!’, mine come out, quite involuntarily and most unfortunately as ‘You – CUNT!’

I know my sneezing fits of old, there is no way of abating them, though I down a case of Night Nurse to show willing. And so, red-nosed, bleary-eyed and with a streaming nose, I am taken to meet those attending.

‘Your Grace, may I introduce Mr Ed Sheeran.’

‘You-CUNT!’ I blast, as I shake his hand. His consternation is palpable.

‘Ms Fiona Bruce.’


‘Mr Richard Madeley.’

‘You ABSOLUTE CUNT!’ I blast, mucus flying. He is obliged to let it pass as I am, after all, an elderly man stricken down. My duties discharged, I return to my bedchamber, sipping rum and Lemsip, and read that Suella Braverman has stated multiculturalism in Britain has ‘failed’. The speech was signed off by Number 10.

Slice my sweetbreads thinly and feed them to the sparrows, what the fuck is it with this government? Are they determined to go down in a blaze of fascism, or what? I mean, in a sense, Suella. You’ve got a fucking point as far as you and fucking Sunak go, two products of multiculturalism who are abject failures, morally, politically, socially, physically and no doubt sexually! But the rest of us are rubbing along all right! Face it, the only people who worry about immigration the way you – with an inexplicable lack of fucking irony – do are in areas where there is none: all-white strongholds in fucking Tory shires where if Braverman were to move in they’d burn crosses on her lawn!

Tory MP Miriam Cates says the UK has become the ‘family breakdown capital of the West’ and calls for tax reform to protect and support families. ‘There is an ideal for children, which is to be with both biological parents,’ she told Times Radio.

Yeah, right, because people would rather endure living in the miserable condition of the British family, with all the tedium and emotional abuse that entails, than lose an £80 a year tax rebate. And what the fuck is this vile bollocks about fucking ‘biological parents’? Do you want a hostile environment for adopted kids, on top of everything else? Jesus’s pickled dick, where do these fucking Tory nut jobs come from, wave after wave of them? They’re breeding like fucking fruit flies!

Michael Gambon has died, at the age of 82. His distinguished theatrical and film career was summarised in every newspaper and TV headline as ‘Harry Potter star dies’.

Will you stop it with this lazy, lazy shite? Of course, he was in the Harry Potter movies; every twat over 50 who ever acted was in a Harry Potter movie! I once mentioned Harry Potter in a 40-minute pulpit takedown of JK Rowling that went viral. So when I peg it, will the headline be ‘Harry Potter Archbishop dies’? Probably! The only time you should use the headline ‘Harry Potter star dies’ is when the speccy kid jizzes his last!

Finally, Laurence Fox and host Dan Wootton have been suspended from GB News after Fox derided a female journalist. ‘Who’d want to shag that?’ he mused, as Wootton chuckled. Wootton later apologised, saying that Fox’s comments did not reflect the channel’s values.

Are you shitting me, you sniggering chimp? Inviting trolling pop-eyed, unshaggable scum like Fox on to spout toxic wank is the fucking epitome of GB News! It’s what it was set up to do! It’s like Football Focus apologising for discussing football! GB News only exists to showcase liberal-goading shits like him and you! Get rid of that and all you’re left with is an empty desk and a fucking rubber plant!