Aries, March 21st–April 19th
No, you will never be as happy as a mouse in clogs in a windmill in Amsterdam. Stop trying.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Stressed with a colleague? Take a deep breath, head to the kitchen, brew yourself a cup of camomile tea and throw it over their fucking laptop.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
It’s not just Santa, you can tell kids that anything’s not real. I’ve just done it to mine about hedgehogs.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
If the campervan’s rocking, don’t come knocking. If the campervan’s still, grandad hasn’t taken his blue pill.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Bog standard means as good as a toilet, and toilets are great. I wouldn’t shit in anything else.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Taylor Swift has just announced a new tour date. Wednesday 20th December upstairs at The Red Lion pub in Braintree. Should be tickets on the door.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed. Specifically that freak they keep in a pit that bites the head off a live chicken.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
You thought Nicholas Cage was an offhand, superior arsehole when you met him? You should hear what he says about you.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
“We have successfully touched down at Dublin airport. Quick, get your bags! Get your bags from the overhead lockers right now, before someone steals them!”
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
You and your mate Steve wrote a new UK constitution on a beer mat that says deporting to Rwanda is fine. It also says that breast reductions are illegal and you can get Stella on prescription.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
I had a successful origami business, but it went under. Folded? No, you’re thinking of my scuba-diving business.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
New craze for Gen Z: watching people watching people play videogames. ‘Being at one further remove is dope as hell,’ say teenage dickheads.