Armbands, hats, Dark Side of the Moon on vinyl: what we're banning, by Qatar

WELCOME to the greatest ever festival of football, a sport we love. Certain items are banned from games for peace, harmony of all involved. These are outlawed: 

The armbands with the rainbows on cannot be worn on the pitch. To wear one of these makes the run of a Saka, the assist of a Maguire, the doing-nothing-then-letting-two-in of Pickford into a beautiful, arousing and mentally deranging act. Banned.

The hats with the rainbows on cannot be worn by women. Women have thin skulls, so they are not safe to drive, own property or wear the hats lest the colours seep into their brain and give them desires. Women have no desires naturally.

The Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon. Classic album of psychedelic 70s but the cover is wrong. On tape or CD permitted in plain cover, but on vinyl the rainbow is large and will corrupt. Penultimate track is called ‘Brain Damage’. Too obvious.

Prisms which separate white light into the visible colour spectrum. The refraction of light in this manner is strictly forbidden, for it may be projected onto our buildings, our people, even our ruler and the rays would take effect. Supervillain weapon.

Genesis 9: 13-16, the passage where your wrong God makes his covenant after the flood with a symbol we do not allow in this country. Yet it rules your heavens, which is why the sodomy like no tomorrow on prime time television game show to win washing machine.

The Wars of the Roses are not to be mentioned, for it escaped not our notice that Richard of York Gave Battle In Vain which is one of your codes. Our spies miss nothing. Also Roy G Biv is banned everywhere. Him we shoot on sight.

No oil in a puddle. Oil we like. Oil is why you’re here. Oil in water, reflecting a multiplicity of colours, seducing with a message of love? Takes every mind to oiled, muscular pectorals glistening as the men dance in the cages like Love Muscle at Brixton’s The Fridge. All oil is the property of the King.

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I kissed a Tory and licked out a Lib Dem: Sir Keir Starmer’s political sex diary

I HAVEN’T just kissed a Tory. I’ve had depraved no-holes-barred f**k sessions with like-minded swingers of every political persuasion. Read my sex diary if you dare:

19 Jan. A Tory MP gave me the eye in the Commons. Motion read and we’re upstairs f**king like bunnies. So not only have I kissed a Tory, I’ve done one bent over my desk, like the sort of reasonable Labour leader Rupert Murdoch could give his backing to.

12 Feb. I’m prowling Parliament Square for pussy as usual, and see a demo by nurses. I turn on the old Starmer sexual magnetism and tempt them into a five-way. Explain I’d give them a pay rise if an inflationary wage spiral wouldn’t harm my fiscal credibility.

11 March. Picked up a chick at a bus stop. Big fan of Boris. So once again I’ve ‘kissed a Tory’, or rather jizzed in her hair.

20 May. Commons debate about Ukraine. Hook up with a Lib Dem MP and go back to her office. Hardcore even for a libertine like me – dildos, role play, gimp masks. Bloody centrists act like they’re so vanilla then they whip out an anal intruder.

1 July. Up North for a by-election, at a loose end so I order in coke and a hooker. Doing a line off her tits when she asks if I can get her Nigel Farage’s autograph! Difficult explaining he’s not an MP when I’m about to blow my beans, but it shows I appeal to UKIP voters.

15 Sept. I swing both ways so I pick up a closeted Tory MP in the gents at Regent’s Park.  He’s all for feeding migrants to the lions at safari parks. Could play well with the Red Wall.

8 Oct. Dogging night. Keep asking Angela but she’s not keen. Odd, she doesn’t seem sexually repressed. Doggers have turned against the Conservatives, so I can’t shag a Tory even if I want to, but I do bang a morbidly obese woman against a Fiat Punto.

20 Nov. I’ve messed up big time. Some Corbynite chick turned up at my office calling me a sell-out. She was cute so we f**ked. Me, the leader of the Labour party, shagging a hard left-winger. If this gets out I’m finished.