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England briskly and efficiently dispatch opponents like a bunch of f**king Germans

THE England team last night beat Senegal as simply and methodically as if every single English player was secretly a Kraut. 

Fans expecting to see a doughty England team struggle against a team they could beat on paper, desperately defending an early goal before being heartbreakingly knocked out in the final minutes, instead saw the boys in white win with Teutonic ease.

Fan Martin Bishop said: “I don’t fervently support England to watch us swat teams away like the Kraftwerk of football. Where’s the fun in that?

“What happened to desperation? What happened to starting at breakneck, unsustainable pace then floundering after 20 minutes? Why aren’t we trying baffling new formations every match?

“Instead they stroke it about, wait for their opportunity, strike clinically and hardly let the other team get a sniff of goal, like a load of sausage-eating lederhosen-wearing knee-slapping bastards.

“What next, lifting the trophy? Being an economic powerhouse at the heart of the EU? Not in my f**king name.

“Next Saturday we need to get back to our roots. Give me a mismatched midfield, injured celebrity strikers, and a two-nil loss framed as a moral victory. That’s the England I know and love.”

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Other people's children and what's wrong with them

YOUR own children, thanks to good genes and excellent parenting, are great. Other people’s children, by contrast, always disappoint for these reasons:

Spoilt

You can’t get through a minute’s conversation without their kids, who frankly are running to pork, demanding a smoothie or a fistful of Haribo or Netflix on. And whether it’s another packet of crisps or Daddy to play horsey, they get it. Meanwhile your two are quiet because they’re playing games on your phones.

Rude

‘Mummy’s drunk too much wine,’ their eight-year-old announces, ‘and Daddy’s going bald! Ha ha!’ And their ineffectual parents shrug it off impotently with never a hint of discipline. It’s different when your daughter loudly asks why Auntie Kate’s got such huge boobs. She’s intellectually curious.

Boring

There’s nothing like planning a fun evening with friends and being cornered by an eight-year-old explaining the latest Minecraft update in full. ‘You see it now has camels, which protect you from mob attacks,’ mmm, sorry you’re so dull. Totally unlike your own children, who merely have enthusiasms they want to share and are so articulate.

Ugly

It’s a shame, because neither parent is ugly but their youngest seems to have inherited the worst aspects of both. Small-eyed, long-nosed and an overbite like a marmot. And surely they could do something with her hair? It’s not the same as your teenage son’s spots, which are a temporary affliction and will clear up soon.

Stupid

Their limited vocabulary was obvious, so you couldn’t resist setting a few simple maths problems for their eight-year-old and oh dear. Stumped by simple number bonds they should have learned in infants. Still, it’ll save in university fees. Your daughter does have a tutor, yes, but only because of her dyscalculia.

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