England has no idea what to do if it wins World Cup

HAVING built its identity on football-related self-pity, England has no clue how it will react if it beats Spain on Sunday.

England’s national character is defined by 57 ‘years of hurt’, meaning the country would be left in a state of paralysed shock if the Lionesses do the unthinkable and actually bring a World Cup trophy home.

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “We’ll want to drop to our knees and cry with joy, but it won’t feel right. Instead we’ll likely gaze off into the middle distance with a vacant expression and wonder ‘Now what?’

“Our instinct will be to drown our sorrows. What’s the triumphant equivalent of that? Quaffing pints of victory? Doesn’t sit right. Doesn’t sit right at all.

“Losing at football is as English as cups of tea and James Bond. Winning is foreign and therefore deeply unsettling. We should stick to what we know and that’s disappointment.”

Nikki Hollis from Colchester said: “Maybe winning the World Cup will usher in a new golden era for this country. As an encore we’ll fix everything else that’s going wrong, and God knows there’s a lot.

“Although in all likelihood a win will cause an even worse, more arrogant English persona. We’ll develop a hatred of Spain like the one we already have for the Germans. The Spanish Armada is a good starting point.

“We’d better throw the match, just to be safe.”

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'If you haven't passed your A-levels, you're f**ked for life' celebrities reassure teenagers

CELEBRITIES have taken to social media to reassure 18-year-olds that A-levels are crucial and without good grades they will never achieve anything.

The rich and famous have reminded students that they achieved incredible grades at A-level which were the foundation of their success and everyone still cares what results they got even now.

GMTV presenter Susanna Reid said: “Everything I’ve achieved is down to doing well in my A-levels. Low grades are a mark of Cain in this business. Nobody will employ you.

“If there are 18-year-olds out there who didn’t achieve As, it’s over for you. You won’t earn six figures even if you work until you’re 80. You failed to pay attention at the most crucial time in your life and you’ll never, ever recover.”

Polymath Stephen Fry agreed: “I’ve worked in a dizzying array of fields – from literature to movies, from comedy sketches to serious documentaries – and I can tell you good A-levels are crucial to all of them.

“It’s the first question they ask in Hollywood. It’s the only question they ask at the BBC. The Royal family are obsessed with them. Without my grades I would never have won my Oliviers, my Tony or Pipe-Smoker of the Year.

“Your teachers warned you, I’m afraid. In today’s economy you’ll be fortunate to get a zero-hours position shovelling pig shit. And to those of you who got all As, well done.”