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England needs a fun celebration making light of its past invading other countries in boats

By England fan Nathan Muir

WHY should it be Norway? If there’s any nation known worldwide for descending on countries in boats and taking them over by force, it’s surely us.

But instead we’re seeing the fans of our opponents tomorrow all over the US doing their Viking row as if they’re the ones with a proud history of global conquest. When in fact their pillaging warriors barely made it out of Europe.

Don’t get me wrong, it was good violence for its day. Loaded up in longboats and hitting the Northumbrian coast like a modern-day stag do hits Riga, drinking and burning monasteries and chatting up the local girls. All credit to them and their imaginative tortures.

Can’t really hold a candle to the English though, can they? Because when it was our turn to be seafarers, we didn’t waste it. India, Australia, Africa, the West Indies, even Australia. We came, we saw, we conquered and we let them bloody well know it.

Yeah, the Vikings martyred a few saints with the blood eagle. I’m not denying them that. Hardly compares to forcing the indigenous peoples of half the world to toil away in our gold mines and sugar plantations, does it? If we’re honest?

The sun never set on the British Empire. From the Irish next door to the ends of the earth we had them all in thrall. So if Norway’s allowed to be proud of its past of massacres and atrocities, why aren’t we?

Instead of a Viking row we could have, I don’t know, a man with a whip. Maybe not that. Or we could line up like the soldiers in Zulu, miming rifles on our shoulders, firing into the native horde. Okay maybe not that either.

Anyway, you get my point. It’s time for our football fans to reclaim our past with a fun but inoffensive ritual dance of some kind. I’ll leave it to the hardcore England supporters to decide what. We can trust them not to be racially insensitive about it.

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Keep your coat on in case it turns nippy: Northerners' heatwave advice for the rest of the country

BRITAIN is in the grip of another heatwave, not that it will trouble bluff, no-nonsense Northerners. Here is their advice to the rest of the nation.

Use confusing Northern slang

Like all good regional slang, these should be totally unnecessary terms for things there are already less confusing words for. Don’t say you’re sweating profusely, say you are ‘mergling barrels’.

Keep your coat on in case it turns nippy

You never can tell when a prolonged July heatwave is going to turn freezing, so don’t go getting silly ideas like not wearing your big coat when it’s barely 30C out. If you must strip off like a brazen hussy, remove your scarf.

Have a pie and chips salad 

We all gravitate towards lighter meals in hot weather. Take your pie, chips and mushy peas and toss them with crisp salad leaves and halved cherry tomatoes for a meal that’s summery, healthy and Northern. Dress with a Tizer vinaigrette.

Don’t make a fuss about heat-related illness

There’s nothing worse than some daft ‘apeth mithering on about a minor ailment like heatstroke. If you’re experiencing slurred speech, hallucinations and seizures, pull yourself together and suck on a Werther’s Original.

Avoid risky heatwave activities 

A heatwave brings its own hazards. Avoid swimming in unfamiliar bodies of water, drinking too much alcohol in the sun and buying a fancy pizza oven. Your neighbours will think you’re getting ideas above your station and ostracise you. And rightly so, you la-di-dah ponce.

Refuse to make concessions to the sun 

Northerners are proud of being impervious to the weather, and intense solar radiation is no different. Do not use sun cream or stay in the shade. When you are subsequently the colour of bacon, in excruciating pain and urgently need to go to hospital, insist you have merely ‘caught the sun a bit’.

Don’t leave your whippet in a hot ginnel

A ginnel can quickly become dangerously hot for a whippet. Be a responsible pet owner by checking on it frequently and ensuring it has plenty of Boddingtons to drink.

Repeat impenetrable Northern sayings

The more performatively Northern the better, for example: ‘Eeh, this ‘eat’s mekkin’ me mardier than a pig stuck in a seg-hole!’ Ideally you should sound as if you’re in some bleak TV drama about a Northern pit community, or better still, a Monty Python parody of one.

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