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England squad has makings of world class five-a-side team

FANS have agreed the current England squad could make up an absolutely unmatchable five-a-side team, if FIFA are amenable to changing the format.

While it would be unorthodox to completely rewrite the rules of the entire World Cup at this late stage just to suit a single country, FIFA have already added extra teams, hydration breaks and brought Ronaldo back from the dead so it does not seem impossible.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Come on, Gianni. It’s good for ratings to have England involved, but you can see for yourself we can’t do it with eleven men.

“So let’s give Konsa, Spence and Rashford the flight home they so richly deserve and get England roaring with a tight five like a bunch of lads on artificial grass on a Tuesday night.

“Kane obviously, Bellingham obviously, Rice and Guehi backing them up, and I suppose Pickford in goal though if anyone else fancies a go they could hardly do worse.

“A couple of subs at the side and it’d be powerful end-to-end stuff, especially if Mexico are only informed of the change ten minutes before the match. Let’s change it up. Freshen things a little. If we don’t do this, we’ll f**king lose.”

Harry Kane said: “Who says we’re a one-man team? It’s more one man and his team of able assistants.”

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It appeared in Shrek 3, and other reasons the Bayeux Tapestry is so important

CONFUSED as to why public demand for tickets to see the Bayeux Tapestry in the UK is so high? Learn about its importance with this guide.

It’s about some historical thing

Nobody is sure what though. It can’t be how we won World War II because Churchill isn’t on it everyone is and fighting with bows and arrows. It’s not our 1966 World Cup win either because it predates that by a few years. No wonder everyone wants to pay it a visit and solve this eternal mystery.

It appeared in Shrek 3

Correctly known as Shrek the Third. You can spot it in the background when Shrek walks into Worcestershire Academy if you pause the film and zoom right in. As well as suggesting that the Shrek universe takes place in our medieval past, the Bayeux Tapestry is also the highlight of an otherwise disappointing third outing for the beloved green ogre.

It’s propping up the tapestry industry

Just as shitty celeb memoirs and Richard Osman books keep the lights on at publishing houses, the Bayeux Tapestry is singlehandedly keeping the textile storytelling industry afloat. The tale it depicts might be trashy tapestry fare for the masses, but it pays for artisans to weave more literary stories about depressed university professors shagging their students.

It might be part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

The Bayeux Tapestry is like an old, wordless comic, which means it might be connected to the upcoming Avengers: Doomsday arc. Nerds are likely snapping up tickets to see if Ant-Man or the Fantastic Four make a subtle cameo among the Norman forces. Spider-Man won’t make an appearance of course due to Sony being a dick about rights.

It’ll be near the really good British Museum cafes

These hidden gems can be really hard to find among all the artefacts the British Museum has stolen. Luckily for visitors, the Bayeux Tapestry will guide them towards the delicious selection of freshly made sandwiches and cakes the museum is famous for. The historical linen tapestry will also serve as a handy napkin to wipe away any grease and crumbs.

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