WHY engage a professional when you’ve subliminally picked up everyday skills from seeing them in the opening scenes of filth? You already know how to do this: 

Repairing a washing machine

The nightmare of a non-functioning washing machine can leave a young woman without any clothes to briefly wear. Fortunately there’s always a heavily-tattooed tradesman a clumsy cut away. He diagnoses an issue with the overused spin cycle, which if he wasn’t distracted with sudden oral would mean replacing a worn belt. You are less distracted.

Changing a tap

Home plumbing can be daunting, but valuable tips are available from a boiler-suited man who certainly wasn’t hired for his acting skills. The stop tap is located below the sink, as demonstrated by the woman bending over without underwear, and the pipe wrench and adjustable spanner needed can be seen if you freeze the video at 17.43, during anal.

Assembling flatpack furniture

Occasionally a large-breasted woman will need assistance putting a bookshelf together. A gentleman will help ascertain which peg should go in which hole without even consulting the manual. They will have sex instead of finishing the flatpack, as should you because even the most perfunctory f**kbuddy relationship will last longer than a Billy bookcase.

Changing a wheel

Women in porn suffer a disproportionately higher rate of punctured tyres than the general public, even though they never discard their spike heels. A ripped passer-by will help by loosening nuts, jacking the vehicle and then abandoning the job to go down on her. Avoid this last step and instead change the tyre to reach your destination rather than orgasm.

Administering first aid

If a barely-clad woman requires medical attention, go straight in with cupping. If this fails to elicit gasps, clear her airways using a tool you keep on you. This will no doubt bring her back to full, joyful consciousness. At which point a nurse will arrive to join in. If it does not transpire exactly like this in the real world, you will go to prison until 2043.