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Daylight f**ked

THE clocks being brought forward by an hour over the weekend has resulted in daylight being ‘f**ked’, scientists have confirmed.

The adjustment to British Summer Time has thrown off your internal body clock and the weather so catastrophically that experts have been left with no other way to describe daylight other than as ‘a total dawn-to-dusk shitshow’.

Meteorologist Martin Bishop said: “It might be a small change we should all be used to by now, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. Shit’s messed up.

“Gentle, reasonably-timed sunrises have been replaced with dazzling glares beaming through curtains at 6am. The days themselves are getting so long they lose all meaning. We had a good thing going during autumn and winter, then we went and ruined it.

“Making the change on a Sunday morning only made it worse. You woke up hungover and wondering what the hell is wrong with the world and now work’s an hour closer? What dickhead made that decision?

“And worst of all it’s completely arbitrary. It’s easy to blame farmers but they’re perfectly happy to spray shit over fields in complete darkness because they’re psychopaths.”

Nikki Hollis of Bude said: “I’ll spend six months living with this deranged lie until it almost makes sense to me before reality cruelly reasserts itself in October. Why? Why?”

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Police not investigating 92 per cent of burglaries because you can get another PlayStation

THE police have confirmed they do not investigate the vast majority of burglaries because the shops are open and you can get another laptop this afternoon. 

While admitting the figure looked bad, police said they are reluctant to fingerprint, check CCTV and interview suspects just to track down and return your personal iPad to you when others are available.

A spokesman said: “They’ve nicked your stuff. Don’t make it our problem.

“If they’d stolen a painting gifted to you by your own dear mother then I’d understand your rage, but they haven’t, have they? They’ve stolen cash, a MacBook and a Bluetooth speaker because they’re as uninterested in sentimental value as we are.

“You bought them online, you’ve got the receipt in your email, you’ve got a crime number. Call your insurance and wait for them to authorise a shopping spree. Don’t pretend that stolen power drill ‘was very important to you.’ This isn’t The Repair Shop.

“We’ve got more to worry about than a few simple burglaries. There’s real crime to deal with. People are tweeting out here.”

Thomas Booker of Wilmslow said: “But my £5,200 Rolex Oyster was stolen. £5,200 in easy cash and I left it sitting on a shelf downstairs. That has to be the police’s fault.”

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