Gangnam Style: Five things Sky Brown is too young to remember that will depress you

IS 13-year-old Olympic skateboarder Sky Brown making you feel like a withered old husk? It won’t help that she has no memory of these landmark events.

Gangnam Style

Psy’s sonic abomination and its accompanying dance captured the public’s imagination in 2012, and will stay with us until our dying day whether we like it or not. Sky Brown was only four years old at the time though so won’t even dimly recall it. She was probably training to win a bronze medal in nine years.

Economic prosperity

Having been born in 2008, Sky Brown won’t be able to remember a time when the financial market wasn’t on its arse and houses were remotely affordable for first time buyers. To be fair to her though, a booming economy where non-billionaires have cash to splash is hard to imagine for most people in their 20s and 30s too.

Cat bin lady

Everyone can remember what they were doing when they saw the viral video of a lady dumping a cat in a wheelie bin. It was our generation’s JFK moment. Sky Brown was two at the time, so the footage probably looks laughably old fashioned to her. Maybe you could have been a sporting legend if you didn’t waste your time on YouTube.

Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich

Sure, Sky Brown was six at the time, but how much can you remember from when you were that age? It’s unlikely you can recall something like a political gaffe which doomed the country but seems laughably trivial in retrospect. At a push you’ve got hazy recollections of a crap birthday party where you took the games far too seriously.

London 2012

This must hurt for all those young athletes who were inspired to get into sport after watching the London 2012 games but haven’t yet won a medal. Meanwhile Sky Brown would struggle to think back to that time because she was still in nursery school. As if that wasn’t painful enough, she was beaten by a Japanese skater who’s six weeks younger than her.

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You are extremely boring

When push comes to shove, no-one wants to listen to you talk about the computer you’ve just built or your collection of needy houseplants. Mostly talking about work or whether to buy a new jacket is pretty dull too. Time to start doing drugs or something cool.

You have no money

Women and men alike don’t appreciate being told that you’re a bit skint this month and will have to pay them back for their own birthday present. Get a third job, loser.

You’re a wanker

Do you ever stop to consider that some of the things you say and do might be off-putting? The next time you ramble on tediously about why certain cars are shit, or angrily explain your views about ‘gypsies’, perhaps take note of whether other people are looking slightly awkward. 

You don’t know how to have sex

Sex is more about consideration than being a relentless porn star stud or a sexual acrobat. If you’re really unsure about the whole issue, ask your parents for some tips – they must have done it at least once to make you, and it won’t be awkward at all.

You smell

Lockdown has been a tough time for all of us, but have you considered that you haven’t been showering much lately? Don’t be too disheartened, just have a wash once in a while, you human pig.