Man could be an Olympian if he was disciplined, good at sport, and 30 years younger

A MIDDLE-AGED man is convinced he could be an Olympic athlete if he was essentially a completely different person, it has emerged.

The only things preventing 45-year-old Martin Bishop becoming a highly decorated Olympian are several insurmountable realities, all of which he is ignoring to maintain his delusions of youth and fitness.

Bishop said: “So what if I showed no sporting promise in my youth and nowadays get exhausted just by putting on my socks? A few laps around the track should fix that in no time.

“And if I hire a personal trainer they’ll keep me focused. I’ve actually been meaning to work with one for a while but life gets in the way. You know how it is, you look at Facebook for five minutes and before you know it a decade has flown by.

“If I put in loads of effort, which I know I won’t, then it’s bound to pay off retroactively. Otherwise I’ll have to face facts and realise that I’m an old, talentless loser who will be forgotten by history.”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “If they introduce eating Domino’s on the sofa as a sport at the next Olympics then Martin’s still got time. He’ll win gold for sure.”

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Dancing Queen and five other songs your mum doesn't actually know the words to

DOES your mum’s passion for music eclipse her knowledge of lyrics? Here are some songs she loves to sing – in her own inimitable way…

Dancing Queen – ABBA

Her go-to karaoke song, your Mum still gets the lyrics wrong even though they’re appearing, one by one, on a 49-inch plasma screen. Buoyed by the success of this rendition, she’ll massacre Chiquitita.

Sample mum lyric: ‘Dancing Queen, young and sweet with some margarine…’

Anything by Adele

Mum loves Adele. I mean, she drinks and swears too much, but she still loves her. Just not enough to recall any of her actual lyrics.

Sample mum lyric: ‘Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing penguins?’

Also: ‘Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes he hurts his leg’

American Pie – Don McClean

Ironically she knows the opening line: ‘A long, long time ago, I can still remember…’ but how many lyrics she remembers in the next eight minutes of Don McClean’s epic is anyone’s guess. This truly is the day the music died.

Sample mum lyric: ‘Drove our Kevin for a bevvy, because Kevin was dry’

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

After singing out the first few minutes, Mum stops dead to tell you Freddie Mercury came from Zanzibar, explain what a great singer he was and reaffirm how sad it was when he died. Before somehow picking up the thread of the song for the sad ‘nothing really matters’ bit at the end.

Sample mum lyric: ‘Scary bush, scary bush, was there a triangular?’ 

Shotgun – George Ezra

An earworm from the relatively recent 2018. George is also the son she never had. This is a great example of Mum only knowing the final word in each line and not bothering to fill in the gaps. 

Sample mum lyric:  ‘La, la, la, la, Shotgun, La, la, la, la, hot sun, La, la, la, la, someone’

We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel

In Mum’s defence this song is a real lyrical minefield. But every time it comes on the radio in her car she somehow gets worse.

Sample mum lyric: ‘Harry Truman on the floor, Doris Day she wants a core (?), Liam Neeson, Adil Ray, South Pacific, what a day, Joe Pasquale, Richard Bacon, Danny Baker, television’

The National Anthem – Unknown

Watching the last night of The Proms on telly, waving her miniature Union Jack and half drunk on gin are the perfect conditions for her to belt out her own interpretation of God Save the Queen.

Sample mum lyric: ‘God save our grey, cute Queen, better than other Queens, our… grey… cute Queen’