Lucky minimum-wage food workers allowed to work through Covid

TENS of thousands of minimum-wage food industry employees have been fortunate enough to be told they can work through Covid. 

The employees, whether vaccinated or not, have been informed that they are so vital to the running of the UK that they can continue earning between £6.56 and £8.91 an hour no matter how ill they are. 

Chicken-packing plant owner Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve saved our workers from the ravages of the pingdemic. I hope they realise how blessed they are. 

“Now, even if they’ve properly got all the symptoms, they can continue standing at our conveyor belts and pass on Covid to their co-workers, their co-workers’ families etcetera, all with government sanction. 

“It makes me proud to see them standing up for Britain, soldiering on through this nightmare on their zero-hours contracts and they’re fired if they miss a shift.” 

Employee Jack Browne said: “Presumably I’m also allowed to go to five pubs and a nightclub tonight as a reward for being the hero this country needs. 

“It’s leadership like this that has seen the UK come through the pandemic unscathed. Thanks Boris.”

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Kids spend three minutes in paddling pool which took three hours to fill

CHILDREN play for an average of 3.3 minutes in paddling pools that their parents spent all morning filling up, it has emerged. 

Parents who spent hours filling pools then going back and forth with kettles of hot water to get it to just the right temperature have been left distraught when their kids barely dip their toes in.  

Tom Logan said: “It took me all morning to set the bloody thing up. I’ve had to pump it up, then stand there holding a hosepipe in the blazing hot sun.  

“Then I topped it up with kettles and pans of hot water to make it just the right temperature, but I thought it would be worth it to see my angels’ smiling, happy faces when they jumped in. 

“The first thing my son said was ‘It’s too cold!’. It’s not a bloody bath, pal. Then my daughter took issue with a dead wasp and that was that. They were back inside playing on their Nintendo Switches. 

“I know when they will want to play in it though. The moment I f**king empty it or when it starts pissing it down with rain.  

“We didn’t want to waste all that effort, so my wife and I are in it. We’re sitting among the grass and dead flies drinking wine, like it’s a poor man’s hot tub.  

“It is bloody freezing though.”