Five types of bullshit you can get away with if you're gorgeous

GORGEOUS people are better than you, and deserve to live in a world without consequences. Here’s some of the bullshit behaviour they can get away with that us regular uggos can’t:

Not having a personality

Developing an identity takes ages and the pay-off is minimal. Sadly if you’re not a 10 then you have to go through the ball-ache of cultivating a personality, otherwise people won’t have a reason to talk to you. Why else do you think people drop a small fortune on surgery to improve their looks?  

Barefaced lying

You could catch a hottie shacking up with your partner and you still wouldn’t get mad as they try to lie their way out of it. It probably wasn’t what it looks like, you’ll think, as you get lost in their dreamy eyes and secretly hope their blatant adultery spirals into a steamy threesome.

Making empty promises

Commitments are for regular-looking people. Expecting stunners not to be flakes is unfair because they’re bombarded with more party invites and hot dates in a single afternoon than everyone else gets in a decade. If you’re ever lucky enough to have brunch with a gorgeous person, just try to live in the moment and savour it.

Petty crime

Even the most attractive of people can’t get away with something serious like murder, but the odd bit of shoplifting here and there will probably only land them with a slap on the wrist. Speeding, drug dealing and vandalism are just some of the many crimes they don’t need to worry about, while public nudity will land them a modelling contract.

Being ridiculously high-maintenance

Want to send a steak back to the kitchen for the fifth time because it isn’t the exact shade of pink you desire? Knock yourself out if you’re gorgeous. Try this sort of shit if you’ve got an underbite or a bald spot and you’ll find yourself slung out onto the streets faster than you can say ‘hypocrisy’.

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Your legal questions answered, by Tommy Robinson

TOMMY Robinson is in the shit again after losing a libel case against a bullied Syrian teenager. Class. With his extensive knowledge of English law, here he answers your legal questions.

Dear Tommy, my neighbour’s leylandii are blocking the light to our new conservatory. What legal recourse do I have? Yours, Hugh

Kick the f**ker’s head in. The law can’t touch you for that. If he’s one of ‘them’ or a leftie me and a couple of the lads can pop round and intimidate him while pretending to be ‘journalists’.

Dear Tommy, I have badly libelled someone with strong racist overtones. What should I do? Susan

Susan, I’m assuming you have a legion of gullible followers who will send you money. Just start a crowdfunding whip round and you might even make a profit.  

Dear Tommy, I wish to change my name. Do I need to see a solicitor? Yours, Iain Horseanus

I speak from experience here, Iain, and no, it costs just £42.44. I’d go for something working class-sounding, like ‘Robinson’ or ‘Tommy’. Basically anything that will prevent you being called a poof by your football hooligan mates.

Dear Tommy, I kicked a police officer in the head during a ‘domestic’, started a mass brawl, and put in fraudulent mortgage applications. What should I do? Graham

Sorry Gra, that’s completely outside my sphere of expertise. 

Dear Tommy, I bought a strimmer from a friend for £20. It broke after its first use and now he refuses to give me my money back. Should I go to the small claims court, or should I write it off for the sake of our friendship? Paul

Paul, you need a strimmer because otherwise the ‘weeds’ will take over ‘the garden’. I think you know what I’m saying here. 

Dear Tommy, after a variety of convictions the courts have lost patience with me and I’m headed for clinky. Do you have any advice? Davo

As a top legal advisor, almost a barrister, I’d suggest: go for the veggie food option in prison – you get bigger portions and the meat sausages will make you want to barf. Also watch your back in the showers and sleep with a sharpened toothbrush under your pillow.