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Manchester United fan fears this is beginning to reflect badly on him

A FAN of Manchester United is concerned that the club’s troubles are making him personally seem as if he is cursed to a lifetime of incompetence.  

Nathan Muir, aged 45, has been a fan of the club ever since they won everything it was possible to win in his youth and has made his fandom a core part of his personality, marriage and management philosophy which he is now beginning to regret.

He said: “I don’t know if Jim Ratcliffe understands how bad this has got, but he’s making me look a twat.

“I’ve smiled my way through the last 12 years, demonstrating how you need to battle on through adversity and saying shit like ‘form is temporary, class is permanent’. But come on.

“Already at home uncomfortable parallels are being drawn between my getting into expensive hobbies – cycling, scuba diving, padel – which I drop after 18 months, and United’s management turnover.

“And now at work I’m being regarded as someone whose basic level of shitness dooms me to always bump along, my occasional small wins lost in a vast uselessness that never gets bad enough for me to fail properly. Which isn’t who I am at all.

“Actually I didn’t realise it until now, but I think I was a fan of Sir Alex Ferguson.”

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Massive brick phones are back, claim Gen Z

THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s. 

Not content with bringing back cassettes, voluminous Madchester jeans and the incorrect use of the word ‘sound’, Gen Z are rejecting almost four decades of telephonic technology for the much cooler brickphone.

19-year-old Hannah Tomlinson of Reading said: “Sorry, I’m getting a call. Let me take out a phone the size of my forearm, extend the aerial, flip down the mouthpiece and answer it.

“Modern phones are too small, slim and tasteful. Take this baby out on a crowded train and everyone will be looking at you enviously as you repeat ‘What was that? I’m losing signal’ again and again.

“There’s no doomscrolling, no social media, and any thief on an e-bike who snatched this would veer under a bus, destabilised by its immense weight. The bus would be a write-off. The phone would survive.”

Graphic designer Joshua Hudson said: “If you don’t look like a Wall Street bond trader right now, you’re nobody. Also I look up my friends’ numbers on my Rolodex or, when out, my Filofax.

“We tried pagers but we simply couldn’t comprehend them.”

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