Mum just hopes both teams have a lovely time

A MOTHER watching the Women’s World Cup final will be happy so long as England and Spain have fun playing each other.

Mum-of-two Susan Traherne, 42, is not really fussed about who wins today’s little kickabout in Australia because at the end of the day having a good time is the most important thing.

She said: “Nothing’s as life and death as the media makes it out to be. So long as all the girls are all friends when the final whistle is blown, that’s what really matters.

“When it’s on I’ll be half watching, half flicking through the latest issue of House Beautiful. There’s a cracking feature about making autumn centrepieces for the dinner table I don’t want to miss. That’s my World Cup final.

“If anyone scores I’ll be sure to look up and cheer and tell them I definitely saw the goal. It’s a reflex all mums develop through years of pretending to watch their little ones and husbands muck around in soft play or at cricket.

“That reminds me, I need to phone Emma down the road for a meandering, pointless conversation. I’m sure nobody will mind if I talk over the commentary for the next 90 minutes or so. It’s not like you need to hear what’s happening anyway.”

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We can tell when it's Viagra, say women

WOMEN have confirmed they are under no illusions as to whether a sexual partner has taken erection-enhancing medication or not, thank you.

Wives, girlfriends and Tinder dates stated they are fully cognisant of the difference between normal, friendly arousal and an artifically engorged penis, no matter how discreet its owner believes himself to have been.

Grace Wood-Morris said: “It’s insulting that you think you can get away with it. You think we’re not sensitive down there?

“Yes, there is a difference between a cock gradually and sensually brought to full hardness by acts of loving foreplay and a pumped-up fly-popping blue diamond gutstick straining from the off. And you’re much keener on the latter than we are.

“What happened to being so turned on by how sexy we are? How about getting your boner that way? What about giving the lady the sense of pride and achievement and co-ownership that means she’s excited to get the erection in her?

“Instead, after a discreet trip to the bathroom for a glass of water 20 minutes earlier, you’ve got a dick like tempered steel and heart palpitations and expect us to be thrilled. No. Though to be fair it means it lasts longer than two minutes.”

Habitual Viagra user Steve Malley said: “They think it’s for them? Nah. It’s for me.”