THE real magic of the Winter Olympics is that, unlike its tame summer counterpart, any event could turn from sport to medical emergency at any moment.
Viewers confirmed they are not watching for any trivial triumphs of human spirit but because sipping tea while elite athletes hurl themselves off mountains at autobahn speeds is so delicious.
Olympics fan Josh Hudson said: “With the summer one your best hope is a stray javelin. But these? A smorgasbord of lunatics where the medallists are the only ones that make it to the end.
“They’re lying on a tea tray and going head-first down a frozen drainpipe, and that’s entertainment. Speed skating turns into a tangled wreckage of bodies on the first corner. A beautiful figure skating routine collapses to a mess of skidding people with bladed feet. It’s A&E on ice.
“And skiing! As if there already wasn’t every chance of a participant suffering a hideous calamity, these magnificent bastards add rifles. Even watching it live would make you uninsurable.
“The Summer Olympics celebrate what the human body can achieve. The Winter one celebrate what the human body can survive. It’s not a battle against other countries but physics itself.
“Ankles and dreams crushed at once. That’ll teach the wankers for being sporty. Let’s hope Great Britain win gold and the French get helicoptered out.”
