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Man advised not to discuss basic human rights in front of girlfriend's lovely dad

A MAN about to meet his girlfriend’s father has been told what a kind, wonderful person he is and also not to get onto the subject of certain people’s right to live. 

Ahead of meeting his girlfriend’s ‘really sweet’ dad for the first time, Jack Browne was warned not to bring up controversial topics like the legally enshrined access to food and water, freedom of speech or the Royal National Lifeboat Institution.

Girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “Dad’s such a warm, kind-hearted man, so long as you don’t make the mistake of saying there are basic dignities everyone should enjoy.

“Stick to safe topics like football or films. And if the right to healthy working conditions or legal protections against slavery come up, change the subject f**king fast.

“My last boyfriend got banned from Easter brunch when he stumbled into saying he’d flee a country if he was in a minority being tortured and killed by the state, so don’t do that. Call the Universal Declaration of Human Rights woke nonsense and you’re golden.

“If you really want to make a good first impression, roll your eyes at the idea of equal pay for equal work. He hates that shit.”

Browne said: “So I have to throw away all of my morals to keep having sex with you? Okay.”

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Old twats doing nothing at home want to stop you working from home

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you. 

Retired Reform voters have agreed the latest way young people of today have it too bloody easy is spending half the working week loafing about wearing pyjamas and surfing social media, views they developed while at home all day on Facebook.

Roy Hobbs of Darlington said: “The man opposite? Never shifts off his sofa and his laptop from 8am to 6pm. I know, because I check four times an hour when I close mine for a pee.

“Back when Britain was Britain he’d be commuting an hour each way to do that in an office, having a liquid lunch and smoking at his desk. Today? I’ve seen him, putting a wash on then two hours later hanging it out to dry. The government must act.”

Retired headteacher Margaret Gerving agreed: “They have the telly on, they walk pointlessly from room to room, they gaze around with a ‘is this it?’ expression. They’re taking the joy out of my doing those things in my retirement.

“They need to be grafting harder to pay my state pension and bus pass. I’m planning to live until I’m 95. That’s not going to be cheap.”

35-year-old homeworker Tom Booker said: “Perhaps I could set up an office rent-free in their f**king heads, since I’m apparently there already.”

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