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Job interviews, and other situations you can still open a bag of crisps at if you want

SEASONED and fried slices of potato are humanity’s greatest culinary triumph and can be enjoyed at any time. Ignore the naysayers and crack in: 

While getting married

Merely a guest? Nobody can object to you snacking on Chilli Heatwave Doritos. Up there at the front? A packet skillfully opened in a suit pocket will leave both hands free. If the bride or groom? Slide BBQ Beef Hula Hoops onto your fingers for a tasty snack while your partner reads their vows, to help the boredom pass.

At a job interview

Asked what you can bring to the company, what could be more charismatic and reassuring than offering the interviewer your Pickled Onion Monster Munch? The atmosphere will be instantly jovial, no doubt followed by a brief discussion on each other’s top five crisps. Welcome to the company.

When taking Holy Communion

One of the most revered rituals in the Catholic is the taking of Christ’s crisps in holy communion. Due to historical blandness and the absence of potatoes from the Holy Land, the traditional crisp offered by the priest lacks crunch and flavour. Replace with a bag of robust and zingy McCoy’s Flame Grilled Steak and watch attendance soar.

Mid-driving test

Enjoying crisps while driving is usually an advanced skill, so your examiner will be impressed. Negotiating hazards with a bag of Seabrook Prawn Cocktail between your thighs, and expertly using your knees to trap the packet during your emergency stop, ensures an easy pass.

While having an MRI

Having to lie still for an eternity while a big magnet creates an image of your innards is the perfect place to enjoy a classy bag of Tyrrells Truffle & Sea Salt, really savouring the flavour. The sensitive instrumentation should be able to capture the very moment they arrive in your stomach to be framed and put on the wall later.

During sex

Food and sex have a storied history and crisps can only aid stamina and attraction. Rest your share bag of Pipers Trealy Farm Chorizo on her back and make love slowly and teasingly so as not to dislodge them. Never eat while in mid-orgasm, as the collision of the two greatest sensations there is could leave everything else in life feeling empty and worthless.

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Heathcliff should look and sound like Rishi Sunak, says top Brontë expert

AN academic specialising in the work of Emily Brontë revealed that fictional character Heathcliff should resemble ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak in both appearance and speech.

The tortured antihero, variously portrayed by Richard Burton, Tom Hardy and in a new adaptation by Jacob Elordi, has been misinterpreted by romantics for centuries and actually provides an ideal debut role for Britain’s last prime minister.

Professor Helen Archer said: “We forget the context in which the Brontë’s were writing. Everyone then was shorter, so Heathcliff would have been towering at 5ft 6in – exactly the height of Mr Sunak.”

“Scholars have struggled to pinpoint the character’s ethnic background, but evidence such as dark eyes, dark hair and a chapter in the original manuscript where he cooks a biryani point to his being Punjabi Indian.

“The cruelty and animalistic passion of Heathcliff must be balanced with the instincts that earned him a fortune in Victorian England, so he would have the clipped, nerdy intonation of a former analyst at Goldman Sachs.

“Though not Northern, because the Northern accent as we know it was created by Ken Loach in the 1960s for the film Kes. More high-pitched and off-putting.

“So yes, all the evidence suggests Margot Robbie should have been making out with the member for Richmond and Northallerton. But Hollywood predictably ignores this because nobody could wank over that smarmy twat.”

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