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Should I go to the World Cup? The lone pro and the many, many cons

CONSIDERING going to next year’s World Cup? Really? Even with, you know, Trump and everything? Going over the pro and cons should help you decide not to: 

PROS

You’ll get to see your team competing in a major international tournament! They might even win a match, if Scotland, or the Jules Rimet trophy, if England! That’s not a chance you can turn down, no matter what the obstacles!

CONS

Yeah, if you’re allowed in. They’re checking five years of social media, they’re checking emails and you know what they’re checking for, right? Any disparaging mention of Trump. One retweeted meme in 2020 about him losing the election? You’re banned.

PROS

Er… beer’s cheap over there?

CONS

Beer is cheap, but tickets are astronomically expensive. It costs $20,000 to see the Superbowl in the US, so why shouldn’t real football cost the same? Ticket costs will be doubled without notice and if yours are cancelled because JD Vance’s family want seats? You’ll have no recourse.

PROS

…

CONS

Even if you’re rich and apolitical Trump’s treating the World Cup, like everything else, as his personal plaything. Playing in Boston? That’s a blue state so at any point the game could be relocated to Montana in an act of petty spite. Your hotel and travel arrangements? Your problem. You must take responsibility for aiding Democrats.

PROS

Please stop asking for pros.

CONS

Also, the chance of being arrested by ICE is very real. Their criteria? You’re a foreigner. Their process? Locking you up indefinitely without telling anyone where you are, then charging you a few thousand to be deported. Reasons have been declared unnecessary.

CONS

And all this is taking place in the US, a country famously hostile to football. The wider populace won’t give a shit about you and the MAGA half has now decided all Europeans are decaying race traitors who should be shot for not having guns.

PROS

Never mind, after Russia, Qatar and the USA, FIFA are treating us to a World Cup in liberal democracies in 2030! Then Saudi Arabia the one after.

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Kate Winslet, and five other celebrities convinced their children are creative geniuses

KATE Winslet has followed appearing in a film with her daughter by starring in a film written by her son. She, and these celebrities, should realise talent isn’t genetic:

Kate Winslet, daughter Mia Threapleton and son Joe Anders

Just three years on from starring in I Am Ruth with her daughter, which nobody much minded because it was on Channel 4 so it didn’t cost anything, Winslet has ushered her son into the spotlight with Goodbye June, a film he wrote and she directed. Serious nepo babies like Dakota Johnson are saying ‘I didn’t need this much f**king help.’

Daniel Day-Lewis and son Ronan Day-Lewis

Daniel came out of retirement to star in Anemone, co-written with his son who also directed it. His son was 26 and fresh out of university. This is a precocious age for a writer-director and not one associated with success, as reviews showed. Weird thing is, if Daniel had given his son a boost into his other trade, of cobbling, nobody would have objected.

Elizabeth Hurley and son Damien Hurley

Damien, after a lengthy and troubling apprenticeship as personal photographer for his mum’s sexy shoots, moved up to writing and directing her in a movie. A straight-to-streaming movie of the kind she always appeared in. Perhaps theirs is an honest parent-child relationship where both agree that as it’s crap anyway, he might as well get paid.

Kate Bush and son Bertie McIntosh

Another legend whose desire to fulfil her offspring’s dreams brought her back to performance, Kate’s belief in her 16-year-old son’s skills as a creative director led to her Before The Dawn residency. It won rave reviews because it was Kate goddamn Bush performing live for the first time since 1979. Bertie’s contribution was less lauded.

Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith, son Jaden Smith and daughter Willow Smith

Not so much a family as an incipient dynasty, the Smiths decided to divide and conquer: Willow would build on her father’s incredible musical career, while Jaden would become his equal as a movie star. Despite the couple and the Church of Scientology’s best efforts, this did not happen. Both still make music. You could listen to it any time, but you don’t.

Kanye West and daughter North West

Born a star because of her unassailable right to appear in any Kardashian reality shit, North has been encouraged by her father to follow in his demented footsteps. Career highlights include rapping on his albums in Japanese and rapping on a P Diddy track during his trial, at which he was found guilty. Yeah. Kanye, as ever, not really helping.

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