Andy Carroll has forgotten almost all the rules of football

WEST Ham striker Andy Carroll has returned from injury but has been asking teammates elementary questions about football.

Teammates revealed Carroll watched yesterday’s training session with childlike wonder, as if he was experiencing a brand new world.

Central defender James Tomkins said: “He was asking what the six-yard box is and why we were all wearing claret shirts.

“A lot has changed since Andy last played a game. There’s some new faces, a new kit and we’ve changed our name from Thames Ironworks.”

West Ham boss Slaven Bilic said: “At the moment we’re focused on making sure he doesn’t pick up the ball and try to eat it.”

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Weatherman admits he has absolutely no f**king idea anymore

A WEATHER forecaster has admitted he is just wasting his time right now.

As the weather swung violently from glorious to Biblical, Met Office expert Martin Bishop is refusing to go near his green-screen.

He said: “Fuck this. You’re on your own.

“Mother Nature clearly hates me – perhaps because I said she was stunning – and has now decided it would be a right old laugh to put me out of a job.

“I could have been a geography teacher or worked for an oil company, but no, I thought working for the Met Office would be so terribly fancy. It’s just bullshit.”

Bishop added: “All I can reasonably recommend is that you go out in shorts and a vest. If that feels wrong, go back indoors immediately and put different clothes on.”

The weather is expected to return to normal in October, when the Met Office just releases forecasts from previous years and they all go on holiday to Crete.