Armstrong taking mushrooms

LANCE Armstrong has graduated from performance enhancing drugs to powerful hallucinogens, it has emerged.

As the US Anti-Doping Agency presented definitive evidence of Armstrong’s drug use, the legendary cyclist insisted all the words in the report were ‘dancing like little funky pixies’.

He said: “I really don’t see how this changes anything. It’s just some paper and glue. How can paper and glue know things?

“Words are just letters. And letters are just ink. And I’m not even going to tell you what ink is because it will fuck you up.”

Licking his palms and rocking back and forth, he added: “I have said all along that my bicycle is an extra-terrestrial horse and that I am powered by the heat of a supernova.

“You can’t see it because your eyes are inside out.”

A spokesman for the USADA said that Armstrong’s response was predictable, but conceded : “He is phenomenal at taking drugs.”

Meanwhile, Armstrong said the Tour de France did not matter because it is just a cloud the colour of time.



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Is Strictly talk grounds for divorce?

Dear Holly,
Is my wife’s endless chatter about Strictly Come Dancing sufficient grounds for divorce or will I have no choice but to smother her with a pillow so that I don’t have to listen to her pointless drivel for one nanosecond longer?

Dear Brian,
All the teachers at my school love Strictly. I know this because if you hide behind the staffroom door at playtime, you can hear what they talk about when there’s no kids around. Not many people know this, but teachers don’t always want to discuss long multiplication or the water cycle. Sometimes, they like to talk about how much they’d love to sex Gary Barlow, or how they got so rat-arsed on pinot last Friday that they got off with an 18 year-old waiter called Martin from All Bar One, or how one of their husbands (who must be a trapeze artist or something) can’t get it up any longer so for some bizarre reason they’ve bought a rampant rabbit.

Why a deranged rodent will help with elevating a grown man, none of us really know.
Hope that helps!