Berbatov To Spend Rest Of Season Drinking Absinthe

DIMITAR Berbatov will spend the next eight months sipping absinthe from a jade goblet after completing his 90 minutes of effort for the season.

The Bulgarian striker paused from writing his latest tome of symbolist poetry to score a hat-trick against Liverpool, which he later dedicated to the 12 catamites currently residing in his Moroccan summer home.

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “The lad’s done well, especially when you consider he’d been awake for the last three days arguing about the films of Jean Cocteau with a gang of Turkish sailors.

“While he has cut down on the Gauloises, he did nearly poke Nani’s eye out with his alabaster cigarette holder in training the other week going for a header.”

Many fans criticised the decision to sign the Bulgarian at the age of 27, especially after he published his 2008 art manifesto in Berlin that insisted true greatness could only be achieved by dying of consumption at the age of 30 while clutching a battered copy of Crime and Punishment in your nicotine-stained fingers.

But the striker made history yesterday, becoming the first Nobel literature laureate to score a hat-trick against Liverpool since Herman Hesse turned out for Preston North End in 1946.

Berbatov said: “The dichotomy for the modern player lies in the tension between the needs of the team and the ambition of the individual. Do I strike the ball or does the ball strike what I perceive to be me?”

He added: “So when O Shea’s knocked it over, I’ve just outjumped big Jamie Carra at the far stick and gave it the beans into the back of the net.

“‘Foot’ ball is, is it not, a beautiful, terrible, mesmersing unicorn. To quote Peter Beardsley.”


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Psycho Midgets To Become Undercover Choirboys

VIOLENT, handsome midgets are to pose as choirboys in radical new measures against predatory priests, it has been announced.

With creepy priests coming under increasing scrutiny in the wake of the Pope’s vow to continue talking about doing something about their behaviour, international law enforcement agencies have begun cutting deals with very short, very hard, boyish-looking psychopaths who are able to deliver instant, painful retribution to potential evildoers.

Three-foot-nothing Tom Logan, whose aliases include ‘Scale Model of Death’ and who was incarcerated for an impressive string of sociopathic acts, is one of the pocket-sized mentalists – so-called ‘tiny traps’ – currently posing as a coquettish chorister.

He said: “I’m not a big man, but I have a track record of removing people’s faces with my teeth.

“I’ve been granted freedom from high-security incarceration in exchange for donning a cassock and a blonde ‘basin-style’ wig.

“After conniving my way into a choir, it wasn’t long before my good looks attracted the attention of a particularly despicable cleric.

“He invited me into the cloisters for some personal tuition. I waited until he revealed his sleazy intentions, then I went Don’t Look Now on his holy butt.

“Probably he’s having quite a hard time explaining to his colleagues how he slipped on some rosary beads and broke every single bone in his body several times. And I don’t imagine he’s looking forward to passing the Bible I forced him to swallow whole.”

He added: “I love this job.”