Boar Sires 80 Piglets By 10 Different Sows

A BOAR is to have his tenth litter by 10 different sows, ultimately costing the UK taxpayer as much as £2 million.

Keith Macdonald, an unemployed large white from Sunderland, has abandoned each of his piglets leaving the sows dependant on welfare benefits and food that is served in buckets.

Emma Bradford, a heavily tattooed 23 stone Tamworth, and mother of eight of MacDonald’s young, said: “He was a very tender lover. He mounted me slowly and carefully and didn’t bite the back of my neck or anything.

“He said he’d marry me and even started going to the toilet in my corner of the sty. But a week later he’s mounting Sarah McKenzie right in front of me while his piglets are sucking on my big red teats.”

She added: “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have an inexhaustible supply of money.”

But McKenzie, a Welsh-Saddleback cross who claims she has had four litters by six different boars, said: “He treated me like a proper lady and everything. The first time we met he rolled a rotting turnip towards me with his snout and said it was his last one but I could have it.

“He was so sweet and kind and smelled of really fresh dung.”

She added: “Emma Bradford’s a fuckin’ skank.”

Julie Archer, MacDonald’s current mate who carried his tenth litter, said: “As long as he treats me right then the past is in the past. I’m not worried about money ’cause one of my kids is going to be in a film about a little pig that saves a farm or somethin’.”

But MacDonald, who first had sex at the age of 11 months, said: “I’ve never denied any of me other kids but these last 17 aren’t mine. I wouldn’t know Julie Archer if she shat in me favourite bucket.”

Tom Logan, professor of public policy at Reading University, said: “By the time these piglets reach adulthood, you’re looking at a welfare bill of £2m including housing, clothing, food, Playstations, vet bills and replacement buckets.

“Or we could just eat them.”

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Bin Strike Could Clear Streets Of Rubbish

A STRIKE by Britain’s binmen could force rubbish to stay in neat piles
instead of being flung all over the place willy-nilly,
it was claimed last night.

As unions ballot their members on industrial action, the country is bracing itself for months of unblemished streets and hedges as binmen set up litter-strewn picket lines and stand around braziers that have to be exactly the right colour or they can’t go near them.

The strike ballot was organised after council bosses tried to enforce
new regulations that would have limited binmen to causing a maximum of
12 serious biological hazards per shift.

A Unison spokesman said: “Restricting a a highly-qualified binman to a dozen disease-spreading incidents a day is like asking a bird not to fly.”

In an echo of 1978 Britain is facing a new ‘Winter of Discontent’ with families having to toss manky, fungus-covered tangerines and rancid pork chops over their own
driveways, or be forced to hire a team of private seagulls at £75 an

Meanwhile binologist Wayne Hayes warned that unless the dispute is resolved, millions of people will no longer know what brand of condoms their neighbour is using or be able to wonder why the condom was that unusual colour and what it was doing in a freezer bag.

He added: “If everyone’s life isn’t festooning the pavement like some rotting Christmas decoration we could be facing a winter of minding your own fucking business.”